Friday, July 20, 2007

40w, 2d

In just about 12 hours, I have an appointment.

It looks like I'll be asking to schedule a c-section at that appointment.

I can't even really express how upset I am about this. It seems like such a stupid thing to be upset about.. carrying a baby to term (and beyond) is hardly a bad thing, right?

... but it feels like my body has failed me.

Again.

I couldn't get this babe in there without help, and now I can't get him/her out on my own.

I've said all along that my biggest fear was having a cesarean just before B deploys. If I wait any longer, that will be exactly what happens.

Nobody ever promised me life would be fair.

Nobody ever promised me that reproduction, birth or parenthood would be easy.

So why does it bother me to find out that it's not?

... and in the middle of the night, when my house is quiet and it's just me sitting here with my thoughts, I can admit this - I'm scared to death of dealing with all this on my own. I've had a lot of time to prepare, but I'm just not ready for B to leave. Admitting that we need to make this decision now means admitting that he really is going.

I can do this.

4 comments:

O Mama Mia said...

Oh hun! I'm so sorry! Does it help that the final outcome is baby? Your body has not failed you. You have carried to full term a healthy babe! That isn't failure, in my book! I hate to see B leave. I am so sorry. Seriously, please feel free to email me if you need ANYthing. I'm here.

Marie-Baguette said...

don't feel guilty! First babies ON AVERAGE are born 8 days after their due dates!!!! And you should not get a C section or anything like this for another 2 weeks! Do research your options, you can still have a natural birth for a while!

Marie-Baguette said...

oops sorry I forgot you already had a baby. But even second babies are born on average 4 days after the due date. Hope this helps

DD said...

Since you know the exact conception date, you probably won't get the luxury of waiting it out. I'm sorry that you are feeling so troubled by the things that seem to be piling up, especially right as B is getting ready to leave. It has to be scary and I know you are sick of "scary".

I just want you to find some peace in all this. My greatest wish...for all FOUR of you.