Friday, November 30, 2007

4 months today.

No, that's not P'Bean's age it's how long B's been gone.

I am so ready for him to come home.

I'm having such a hard time with the holidays this year. Mel had a great post the other day about the emotional minefield of Christmas during IF. Or rather, the emotional minefield of IF during Christmas... so true. It's a tough time of year whenever your family isn't complete... or is complete (enough) but isn't together.

Tonight, G was marveling at the neighborhood lights. He thought the lights meant that it was Christmas.

No, not yet. People put their lights out early because they're excited that Christmas will be here in a few weeks.



.. and then he asked why we didn't have any lights outside our house.

Because, sweet boy, that's your dad's thing*.


And maybe because your mom is not all that excited.



It's a huge reminder of everything that B's missing.



For the first few months, I just didn't think about what B was missing. I couldn't think about it.



.. and he couldn't think about anything else.



He has missed PB's first smile, laugh, and her first tears. G's first day of pre-k, that sweet and indefinable moment where he pulled out his independence and stood on his own as just one of the big kids, and the everyday moments of two little ones learning how siblings interact.



G started pre-k the day before T'giving. I emailed B lots of pictures, and happily reported that no one had cried.



He emailed me back with just two words "except me".



Ouch.



That's what I think of every time someone tells me that it must be hard having him gone... yeah, it's hard - but it's nothing compared to what he's going through.



_ _ _

ok, I wrote all that last week, with the intention of actually finishing it. I had sorta even planned on working in the point I actually sat down to write - which was that B & I had that always-fun 'state of the union' discussion re: family planning... and I've been trying to write about it ever since. Twice I've sat down to work through it in my mind and my keyboard.. and twice I managed to write an entire post without once mentioning the actual subject I'd intended to discuss.

Obviously it's not an easy thing for me to think through (else I'd have written the #$^&! post and published it and been done already) .. so .. maybe next time?




* Usually we have enough lights strung around the front yard to qualify us for the Hall of Shame.

1 comment:

O Mama Mia said...

I'm so sorry! I've been obsessively begging Hubz to just get out already. Totally completely sign the papers & say good bye. I keep telling him HE doesn't have to be the one to win the damn war & provide our freedom. His snap? What if everyone thought that?? We're gearing up for his departure early next summer for 7-12. People keep telling me to not think about it & just focus on the now. Impossible, thankyouverymuch.