Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Not fair.

My mom called me last night. I had a bad feeling when the phone rang, and I was right.

My cousin, who was 11 weeks pregnant, has lost her baby. I hate that phrase, it sounds like she's just misplaced it, but I guess it's easier to say than saying her baby died. She's going in for her D&C today.

I'm so sad for her. This was her first pregnancy, and they were all so excited.

I was really hoping that someone in our family would have an easy time of building their family, and I was just sure it would be her. I guess that wasn't meant to be.

There are four girls in this generation of my family. All four of us have lost a baby now. Out of nine pregnancies, there are four children. Five if things go well with RiceCake.

I know that miscarriage is common, and not necessarily indicative of a problem.. but consider that of the four babies lost, only two were miscarriages. The other two were second-trimester or later: one struggled for a week before her tiny body gave out after a premature birth prompted by pre-eclampsia, the other lived a short fifteen minutes after an early delivery due to an abruption.

We don't have good luck with bringing babies into this world, and that's scary. It is a constant reminder to me that there is no 'safe' time. When everyone else I know relaxed after the first trimester was past, I just kept praying to make it through the next two safely.

There's just something about my generation in my family.

Our mothers managed six babies in six pregnancies. We are struggling to hold on to a 50% success rate.

.. and trying to deal with the heartbreak of the 50% that didn't make it.

I know I'm taking this much harder than I would have if I hadn't been in that position a year ago... but dammit, I don't want anyone I love to have to go through this. It's just not fair.


Krista said...

You are right, it is not fair. It really hurts and we shouldn't have to go through it. And it certainly seems like your family is getting more than it's fair share. And of course your personal experience makes you empathise more. But maybe it will also make it easier for your cousin to talk to. Maybe she will see you as someone who's been there but didn't give up.

I am so sorry for your cousin, and for your fears. I hope that this pregnancy defies the odds.

Erin said...

Oh, I'm so sorry for your cousin. I hope you can be there for her, at least by phone. I'm sure she's devastated.

Your family has gone through a lot with regards to pregnancy and babies. I hope that RiceCake is a miracle baby for all of you.

Adrienne said...

I am so sorry for your cousin's loss. There is nothing I can say to ease her pain, but I hope she eventually finds peace.

And you are 100% right - it's not fair that this is happening, and it seems to be happening more with our generation than with any other. And I think it's a result of this toxic stew that we live in: the air we breathe, the food we eat, the water we drink. It's filled with chemicals and we're reaping the results.

The Town Criers said...

It isn't fair--and the in-family statistic is mind-boggling. I'm so sorry that you have all had a loss--though it sounds like you are there for one another.

Sending good thoughts to your cousin tonight.

Kris said...

It's not fair. And I'm so sorry for your cousin. I always used to feel bad when I heard about miscarriages, but after my own, I feel terrible. No one should have to go through that.