Thursday, April 19, 2007

Does procrastination make me a bad mom already?

I really don't have much to say these days and I feel bad about that.

Nothing's new, or changed, or anything like that... which leaves me with two choices: either wait til I have something actual to say, or bang out a superbly boring post about nothing.

Neither is an appealing choice, but I'm going with the latter.

I'm trying desperately to focus on the future here instead of worrying about the present - only three months to go til I can worry about a babe in my arms instead of a babe in my belly. Somehow, I think it will be easier to worry about the babe in my arms since I can, you know, actually look at him/her and be reassured rather than debate if it's been long enough since my last kick that I need to break out the doppler.

I'm still having a hard time with the reality that this may, indeed, lead to a babe in my arms. Relatively soon.

And I'm having lots of trouble doing the usual preparing-for-baby rituals.

We haven't picked out a name.

I have barely bought anything, nor do I feel like I should be shopping.

I have yet to send for my records from my old OB so that my current one can actually discuss birth options with me.

I have not even thought about signing up for birthing classes.

.. and so I worry - am I subconsciously trying to tell myself something by NOT preparing for Rice's arrival?

Am I in denial because admitting that I am, indeed, getting closer also means that B's deployment date is looming as well?

Or am I just scared to death that overplanning would be jinxing myself?

I did arrange for G to stay with my parents whenever little RiceCake debuts... but that was a 10-second conversation, hardly a massive amount of planning... something along the lines of "Hey, ma, it's ok if G stays with you when Rice is born, right?" yes, I do call the baby Rice in my real life

.. and as for overplanning, I think I can explain away all the rest of my not-planning.

The name thing.. we've got a name. We may even use it. We didn't find anything else that was appealing, so it's a frontrunner by default. Having scoured two separate baby books and finding very few names we actually liked, we sort of figured that it's this one or nothing. Re-reading the books in case I missed something... well, that sounds pretty boring, doesn't it?

So I haven't bought much.. I don't need much. I bought the few big items I wanted to replace, but the fact is, I saved everything that was G's as a babe.. so the only shopping I'll need to do is if Rice does indeed turn out to be a girl... then I'll need clothes that aren't blue... since all I need at this point are gender-specific items... there's no desire to shop.

As for the records and birth options... I'm ambivalent about birth choices. I have so many conflicting emotions about V*BAC vs planned section, it's no surprise that I'm passively procrastinating by not requesting my records. I suspect this subject will be a blog-post of its own in the future, so I'll leave out all the reasoning here.

.. which brings me to the birthing classes. I dutifully signed up for those during my pregnancy with G.. and it was a total waste of money. We made it to ONE class. By the time the second class rolled around, I was three floors above it, on the maternity ward, holding my newborn. Throw in the fact that B is not going to be consistently around to take a class with me, and even if he were, he hardly paid attention to the one class we attended (his only input on the subject of helping me relax in labor was "baby, just get an epidural, you'll feel better") .. and you'll see why I'm not chomping at the bit and buying new publicly-presentable pillow cases for the much-anticipated class. I have thought about attending solo, but I don't think I'd learn anything useful. I (briefly) considered asking a friend or relative to come with me, but that sort of implies I want them as a labor coach... which I do not*. I am not a person who believes that a birth should involve a standing-room-only crowd.. or any kind of crowd. I know it works for some, but for me, I just want to be left alone. B knows this, which is why my labor with G involved him watching a baseball game, and taking a nap. I can think of several people I'd allow in to view a cesarean, but very, very few that I'd invite to a vaginal birth. Judging by hospital policy (liberal visitation during labor/vag birth and only one person allowed in for a section), I've got that ass-backwards from the popular opinion, but I'm often ass-backwards from popular opinion, and birth is no time to start conforming, right?

So.. really, my birth ambivalence isn't really ambivalent. It's practical, given the situation.

All the little preparing-for-baby things that most people do, aren't really necessary here. At least not yet.

I am very anxious to get everything set up for Rice's arrival.. but it's just too early. I have three months to go... so assembling a crib, and setting up the car seat, organizing the baby clothes or even packing a hospital bag.. all of that seems premature. I will get it all done, just not now.

.. and yes, admitting that July is getting closer IS admitting that B will be leaving. I'd be in denial if I didn't admit that Rice's birth and B's deployment are all tied in together in my mind. I'm sure that contributes in its own way.

*I've given this a lot of thought while debating what to do if B is out to sea during the Blessed Event.. the one person who I would like with me is my sister.. which may seem strange given our current relationship. Probably I should blog this out because it's complex.. will do that in the future... at any rate, it's not a feasible option to have her with me, or I'd ask.

1 comment:

Cricket said...

Ex was stationed in Germany when my son was born. Being military, we lived far from family, not that I'd have wanted them. Instead I had a midwife and a doula. The latter was actually someone considering becoming a doula after her less than satisfactory birth experiences. Anyway, it worked and I felt supported. The doula took all the birth pictures and I am most grateful for that. Go to the DONA website to see if there are any near you.