Wednesday, December 13, 2006

I'm so boring...

I'm still staying pretty busy here, which is nice, but which doesn't leave me much time to blog, or comment on other blogs (although I am still reading!) ..

We're closing in on my next ultrasound (less than a week to go!), and naturally, that's sparking some panic over here. I wish I could go into this with just happy, shiny thoughts, positive that all will be well, that the ultrasound will be one more opportunity to see RiceCake and his beautiful beating heart, but I am scared.

Looks like I'll be going this one alone... save for G, who may have to go with me.* So it better be good news, 'cause not only will I not have anyone there to give me support, I'll have to hold it together for the little man. I'm still holding out hope that B will be able to make it at the last minute, but I'm definitely not counting on it.

I've been skipping the Google consults, which has made a HUGE difference in my equilibrium. Without Dr Google to freak me out, I'm ignorant of statistics, or bad-news stories, or rare one-in-a-million complications that I am sure will materialize in my life. It's kinda nice.

I've been optimistically reading a message board for moms due in July, and, as expected, they're very different from me. There's one or two who feel the need to get all doom and gloom and point out reality to the otherwise-blissfully-ignorant moms-to-be, but for the most part, they're all picking out names and comparing baby gear and discussing labor options.

I am nowhere near that point. I still can't even tell people we're expecting.

I realized how much I've changed this year when I found the list of questions I had for my doctor at what should have been my first OB appointment this spring. I threw it out. None of it really matters to me now - if I make it past the upcoming ultrasound, I'll have plenty of time to debate the merits of a planned section or a VBAC. I'm not even bringing it up now. The fact that I not only thought it out, but wrote it down last time seems incredibly arrogant.

.. and yet, normal. I miss that normal.

I keep saying "after my next ultrasound", but now I'm thinking more like "out of the first trimester", or maybe even "out of the womb" before I'll feel 'safe'.

*but it's just a regular OB and not the RE, so dammit, I refuse to feel guilty.


Heather said...

Definitely don't feel guilty. If you have to take him, take him.

DD said...

I hope you won't mind if I continue to live vicariously through you since I think you have the closest due date to Wolf.

I'm hoping for a very normal, yes, even boring ultrasound. Like it could be boring, right?!

Erin said...

Don't feel guilty about taking G to your OB's office. People expect to see pregnant women and kids at an OB's office. Have you told G yet? How did it go?

I'm hoping for very good news at the ultrasound.