Saturday, December 09, 2006


Not much worth taking the time to type out here. Still paranoid, still slowly working through that.

In other news, my nephew was born this past week.

I apparently still have issues with that, since I was peeved about that announcement call. It interrupted a rare moment alone with my husband. I'd like to say it was the interruption rather than the news that irked me, but no... I just didn't want to hear one more damn thing about my sister's pregnancy.

Sounds cold, eh? Well, it is.. but it's honest, and that's all I'm concerned about here.

For whatever reason, my mother thinks I'm interested. I got the full report on the maybe-it's-labor from last week... all freaking evening, I got real-time reports until I finally told her that I really wasn't interested in the play-by-play. I'm sure that part of this is irritation with my sister - she never did call me. Her entire pregnancy, not one phone call. I guess it really is just that icky discussing pregnancy with the fertility-challenged. Sadly, that's not the only reason I'm irritated.

Since I'm being honest, I'll tell you this - the main reason I'm irritated is because I can't handle pregnancy talk this week. I don't want to hear about it, see it, or so much as think it. This is THE week where I want no pregnancy talk, or reminders, or anything. I want to stay busy, and muddle through the next couple of weeks til my ultrasound.

... but since I'm not still trying to get pregnant, my mother thinks I'm totally over all those infertile feelings and the sadness about my miscarriage. Because, you know, I've moved on.

Which is the hardest damn thing to explain to someone. It doesn't go away. No matter what. It gets easier, I've been down this road before (well, the mom-after-IF part, not the mom-after-miscarriage road), and it gets easier... but it doesn't go away. I can't forget the reality that not all pregnancies turn into babies. I can't forget that I'm still in a tenuous position. Everyone else, of course, has moved past that. They're excited and happy and looking ahead. They're talking about names, and shopping and preparing.

Me, I'm talking about just getting through the next few weeks.

And Mom, I'm happy for S. Really, I am.. but all the talk of weekly ultrasounds, and how big baby's gotten, and the endless discussions on her bloodwork just remind me that I've got a long way to go. Let me be selfish for a little while because it's protecting me. Let me not talk about pregnancy, or doctors or labor. Just for now.

I'm trying desperately to move on, but I'm in the midst of a week that's pulling me back, dragging me kicking and screaming to a time I just want to forget. Today, I am 8 weeks and 3 days. I only made it to 8 weeks and 4 days last pregnancy. I feel like I'm passing a major milestone here - and while I'm heartened by the fact that I do feel like I will pass it, I still feel like it's a roadblock that will take effort to climb.

Looking ahead, I'm happy that I'm almost past this week.


Erin said...

The fact that we don't "get over it" like you do with a cold is something that many people will NEVER understand. It affects such a very basic part of your being, there's no way to just forget it. Being infertile not only means there's a problem with your body, it means that the problem with your body erodes your self-confidence that you can carry out such a basic function. That doesn't just "go away".

I completely understand what you mean. I'm sorry your sister and mom are being so unsympathetic. That's not at all what you need right now.

InfertileMadWoman said...

R, I have had the honor of reading your entire Blog over the last 2 days, and I have to admit I was thinking that maybe we had been seperated at birth!! You and I sound so alike in so amny way, and yet different in so many others. I am very proud of you for braving the Navy doc, as I couldn't, and wouldn't after some comments that were made to me. I am however still in my journey to my first bio child, as I have a 15 year old adopted son. I have to say that I think you are a very brave person, and even though I haven't had some of the experiences that you have with loss, I can understand so much of it. You just hang in there, and if you ever need someone to talk to I am here for ya... BTW, My husband works at PTown, and used to be AD Navy so the fact that you deal with them over there makes you even braver in my eyes!!! :o)

InfertileMadWoman said...

Oh Yeah, I alomst forgot....

"YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!" Think Adam Sandler movies!!!

Jessica said...

The only thing worse than being in the perpetual state of firs trimester anxiety brought about by previous losses is being in that state and having to deal with people who are not at all anxious about your pregnancy. I almost feel as if I'm not REALLY pregnant yet, and when people ask me I think they are surprised by my lackluster response.

You just keep doing what you're doing. Take things in your own time on your own terms. If the people around you are oblivious to your needs it is even more important that you pay attention to them and take care of them.