Monday, January 29, 2007

I need some cheese...

.. to go with my whine.

Did you know that it's possible to hit a second wave of paranoia during pregnancy?

I got past the initial hysteria of weeks 5-9 (which sucked bad), had a good month or so and some time in the last week, paranoia has returned. In my heart I don't believe that things will turn out badly, but I can't seem to wrap my head around that concept.

I'm blown away by this. I really, truly expected that once I made it past the first awful weeks, I'd be ok. I was trying to explain it to a friend, and her opinion was that once you've lost a baby, you're never really secure in pregnancy. She's smarter than I am - I was pretty sure I'd be ok after the initial panic.

No one told me that this paranoia would return.

I hate this, I truly do.

I always wanted a big family, but now I'm thinking that if things go well, this may be It. I just don't know if I can put myself through pregnancy again. Mentally, it's too damn hard.

And then I feel like a big fat whiny baby because I worked hard to get here, and there are so many people who would love to be in my position, fragile mental state and all, and it seems so incredibly rude to complain about it.

So let me set the record straight: I'm not complaining about being pregnant. I'm complaining about how I feel about it.

Fear sucks. Especially when it seems like it's groundless fear. I can't get a sore belly and assume it's just normal growing pain. I have to start worrying about uterine infections and placental abruptions. Backache? Hmm... I hope that's not the start of preterm labor. Baby not moving much today? Well, it certainly can't be because it's too early to feel much, must be a problem. If I feel absolutely normal and ok, and I'm having a good day, well that gives me reason to worry, too.

Yeah, that's my life.

I'm trying so hard to just relax and enjoy this, and I'm pissed that I just can't seem to do that.

I'm almost 16 weeks now, and I still have a hard time admitting I'm pregnant. I can't even think about baby names without flinching.

I'm going nuts making baby blankets - because it's the one thing I can do. (I've got several friends who are pregnant, so even if things go to hell here, someone will be able to use them, right?) I'm starting my fourth quilt today. I've window-shopped a million strollers, but can't bring myself to seriously consider any of them, let alone actually buy one. I have a ton of cute fabric upstairs just waiting to be made into diapers or slings or dresses. Some day. The one thing I'm seriously looking at with the intent to buy is a new carseat... for G.

I just can't seem to do anything else.

The more I do, and think, the more 'real' baby becomes, the more attached I become.. and that feels dangerous. That's the real problem. The reason I start getting scared when we talk about names, or when I think about where we'd put a crib. I worry when I want to buy a stroller because what if I don't need it? What if it's just sitting there as a reminder of what should have been? This is a problem for me.

I remember being scared with G, but not like this. It's a whole new thing, and one that literally keeps me up at night. I'm working through it, telling myself it's normal, but it's still hard. I'm simultaneously working to keep myself sane and detached (just in case!) and berating myself for not wholeheartedly throwing myself into pregnancy and reveling in it. I keep thinking that the next big milestone will be the one that gives me some peace, but so far... I haven't reached that part yet. I've thought all along that once baby is moving reliably and often, that will be what bring me peace, secure in the knowledge that everything's still ok... but I know, deep in my heart, that will just bring its own set of worries. Each milestone is a big deal to me, one more hurdle I've passed, one more day we've come through, but I see endless weeks of milestones and hurdles ahead of me before I reach my goal... and even then, the worries don't stop.

I understand why I'm protecting my heart by not planning, by not thinking.. and I understand why I'm fighting that.

1 comment:

casey said...

I can SO relate to this! Absolutely. Last night, after my husband actually got to feel a first kick, food poisoning settled in and thoughts of listeria (and accompanying problems) set in. Can we never get a break?

And what you said about the more you think about being pregnant, the more attached you true. It's like I'm living two that is scared shitless and one that is going maternity clothes shopping. Perhaps the two should meet at a coffeehouse sometime!

Glad things are going well, if only from below the brain :)