14.5dpo, rolling out the welcome mat... and waiting...

So... uhh.. yeah.

AF is still not here. Temp is well below coverline. She's circling. I'm already in my next cycle mentally.

CD1 should be either this afternoon or tomorrow; I'm now 14.5dpo and the 15th is my usual AF-day. If I get really lucky, I'll have an ovarian cyst that delays her visit. I can't believe I'm wishing for an ovarian cyst... but...

Since I'm in that whole looking-forward mode, I started calculating potential O-dates. And checking B's schedule... and thinking fuck, fuck, fuck. Because, of course, he leaves on d14. Only for a few days, but enough to make our timing awkward. Probably I should wait for AF to actually arrive before I start stressing over this, but where's the fun in that? She could show up just late enough to make this planning easier and then I'd miss the chance to stress. Unthinkable.

I checked my handy-dandy FF chart gallery to see if maybe letrozole causes a later ovulation than clomid. It appears so. I also considered calling the Doc and asking for that slow-stim inj cycle he was talking about. Then I figured I should probably wait for CD1 to actually get here. I'm sure the Docs would be impressed with my proactive thinking and initiative, but they do like to have an actual end to one cycle before starting the next...

Emotionally, I'm in a much better place than I was yesterday. It's funny... before G, it took a couple of weeks for me to get over CD1. Sometimes, I'd still be pissed and depressed right up til I O'd (or, if I'm being honest, I'd have entire cycles where I didn't get over it). A few months back, CD3 was my moving-on day. Now... I can grieve a cycle and move on before it's even over. Progress, people, this is progress! Maybe I'll become a poas-addict. I hate the negatives, but damn it's nice to get over it sooner.

So that's my today. My silver lining to yesterday - I couldn't sleep and B couldn't sleep. We stayed up far too late, watching movies and cracking bad jokes. Sleep deprivation caused me to need some seriously strong chock-full-o-caffeine-and-REAL-sugar coffee this morning. I'm buzzed on caffeine and downright loopy.

So far, it's a damn good day for CD0.5.

OK, so I've crossed everything off my to-do list, including some stuff that wasn't on there.

Yes, I caved. Yes, I tested. No, I didn't like what I saw.

Fortunately, since I'm ever-so-prepared, I was pragmatic enough to buy the super-giant package o'pads along with my tests... because we all know a negative hpt will bring on AF quicker than provera ever could. Not surprisingly, I've already got cramps. Rub it in why don't'cha?

Yeah, so today's turning out even suckier than I had expected... and I didn't even buy my fucking Oreos.

No good news today

Things to do today:

think about hpt's and not buy them because my temp is down again.

stare at FF's chart gallery to see if someone - anyone - had a temp so close to coverline at 13.5dpo on a "good" month.

stare at my past charts, looking for the same

conclude that pregnancy is highly unlikely this cycle

buy tampons, just in case.

stare at the Oreos, and not buy them, just in case.

wait for AF

Yeah, that's my day. I've already done most of that, all that's left is to head out to the store for my tampons.

Eh, well, you win some, you lose some. The nature of infertility is that you lose more than you win.

Speaking of:
I watched a movie last night. It was supposed to be about a girl who was haunted by her deceased cousin. It was, but there were some serious infertile references that pissed me off. In a nutshell, two sisters, identical twins, each with one child. Sister A has a girl, Sister B has a boy. Boy dies. Sister B visits her friendly local RE and discovers that she doesn't have enough eggs to try IVF 'again', and shortly thereafter Sister A discovers she's pregnant. With twins. When she wasn't trying. Sister B turns into this evil, nasty woman, crippled by her inability to have another child... meanwhile, DeadBoy is haunting LiveGirl, and naturally, the dearly departed is fast turning evil, corrupting dear sweet living girl. Did you follow that? The sweet fertile's life is screwed up by her evil infertile twin and the demon seed she produced. Ugh.

Infertility is evil, infertiles are not.

... tho I'm thinking of going as an Infertile for Halloween. I can't think of a scarier costume, just going by the mainstream references to infertility.

Minty ickness, batman!

I wrote a post yesterday. Really did. It's sitting in my 'saved drafts' pile despite the fact that it's totally finished. I'm way too superstitious for my own good. Worried that I'll publish it and the Cosmic Gods of Reproduction will pat themselves on the back and chuckle well, we sure fooled her this time - good job, boys!

Yeah, I'm that optimistic. I wish I were a poas addict*. I wish I'd ordered those 'net tests like I've been promising myself for a long, long time so I'd have a whole pile of them and not worry about wasting one or three. I wish it were wednesday or thursday or friday so I'd know how this cycle turned out. I'm 12.5dpo today. If FF is right, then I'm 12dpo... but there's that whole pesky collapsing follicle on my ultrasound that would make me 13dpo. I'm splitting the difference and calling it 12.5. Too early for me to go out and buy a test. No. Matter. What.

Most of all, I wish I didn't know so much about reproduction that I'm doing complicated math in my head. if the average hcg is 100 at 14dpo, with a doubling time of 48hrs, 12dpo would be 50, which is so totally detectable with the right test.. and 13dpo... oh yeah, it could be accurate.

Yeah, that's complicated for me.

And disturbing. Where are these thoughts coming from?

I'm going to think on that while I go re-brush my teeth to see if I still gag on my toothpaste.

Yeah, Hope woke up with a vengeance this morning... while Reality countered with it's just leftover nausea from spending the whole day surrounded by paint fumes yesterday... and the estrogen, let's not forget the estrogen.. it's not what you think.


small update: I did NOT gag on my toothpaste this afternoon, except when my toothbrush got too far back in my mouth... considering I have an overactive gag reflex, I'm attributing this morning brushing gag-fest to a sleep-induced lack of coordination. I guess I brushed too close to the gag reflex this morn. dammit.



*really, I'm not. I'm such a non-addict in that sense that I don't even keep hpt's in the house.

Latest Googles

I heart my 'recent searches' button. Really, truly do. No matter how rotten I'm feeling, how discouraged and lame... I check my googles and see there are people out there who are far more bizarre than I am.

snotty 4dpo hell, i'm snotty every day.

am i fertile after i ovulate were you fertile before you ovulated? 'cause if you're not fertile, you're just not fertile, no matter when it is. sorry to have to be the one to tell you.

implantation dpo range nice to see i'm not the only one who thinks of these things.

symptom my child have hairy legs and back oh my. the hairy legs part, I can see where that landed ya here on my very own blog.. but a hairy back? O Google, my Google are you trying to tell me something?

fertility monitor sticks as hpt you have an addiction. seek help. (those things are WAY too expensive to use as hpt's!!)

nausea 1dpo ok, this one's only really funny 'cause it landed on my post about FCP

urban legends do you know ho i am exams no, I have no idea "ho" you are.

humorous ode to morning sickness well, they do say laughter is the best medicine.

stepmil is a witch heh. heh.

how far to insert catheter for iui O..M..G.. I've worried before that some doctors aren't trained, but this.. this is ridiculous.

not all about baby of course not.. it's all about me.

Welcome to the Hotel Infertility...

You can check out any time you like
But you can never leave

Gah. I was really not Suzy-Sunshine yesterday, huh?

It's cool, I've found my happy place and today is (so far) a better day.

What's that? Oh yes, my BBT did go back up. Funny how that affects my moods. I think I see why DocNH told me it would make me crazy to keep taking it. Imagine that. A doctor who was right. Rare indeed.

The other thing is that I woke up exhausted, like I didn't sleep at all. Odd, considering that yesterday I took a nap, got to bed early AND I slept in this morning. I had some bizarre dreams last night, so that may be why. I was kidnapped by Hugh Hefner, who wanted to force me to participate in some p*rn. Perhaps the strangest part of all this is that I was most pissed because I had no socks and my feet were cold. And then I got pissed because I only had these tiny, mismatched socks in my pocket. Four of them, one with Winnie the Pooh. Same pattern G had on a onesie as a babe. I was trapped there, surrounded by a moat of snapping turtles, but I got out because I found some spinach and mountain dew which gave me supernatural powers to influence the turtles.

I'm contemplating the meaning of that one.

I might never understand what it means, but I know what caused it. Fell asleep last night after watching one of those 'documentaries' on cable. About p*rn. Since I fell asleep in the midst of a hot flash, I was on top of the covers, with no socks. It's not at all unusual for me to stick G's socks in my pocket to remember to put them on him, and the whole Winnie-the-Pooh thing might just mean I've got babies on the brain, tho that's doubtful. The moat of snapping turtles.. uhh.. dare I admit I'm a super-geek? Hell, why not, I've admitted everything else... they were turtles from World of Warcraft. The spinach, obviously a Popeye reference, I guess I needed superpowers to overthrow the geriatric Hef? Who knows? And the dew... well, I've just been craving that this week.

Or someone in my household felt sorry for me yesterday and slipped some really funky stuff into my pot roast.

Because, you know, they adore me and will do anything to make me feel better.

For the record, I'm feeling better today. Please keep the funky mushrooms out of my dinner tonight.

I'm picking up more symptoms by the day. If I were an optimistic person, I'd put two and two together and come up with the answer I want, but since I'm FC, I'm adding two and two and getting 3. Three meaning maybe I should ask to switch from clomid to prozac.

Lots of people have compared infertility to a roller coaster but this month has been so much more. It's not a rollercoaster, it's the teacup ride... I've been whirling through elation and nausea and that let me off this thing feeling.. and I'm spinning so fast I've forgotten which way is up and which way is down.

G likes the teacup ride, I do not. I have to force myself to pretend to enjoy it every time.. and after pretending for a while, I relax and enjoy watching the thrill he gets from it. So maybe I need to spend the next few days relaxing and enjoying the thrills that G gets out of life.

After that, I'll deal with what's coming next.

10dpo, not so hopeful...

The night was filled with magic, they bid the sea goodbye
They swam into the heavens, they stayed up in the sky
And all the Island people when they wish upon a star
See the Dolphin and the Jolly Mon who tell them where they are

Possibly the least in-context song quote I've ever used, but when I'm in a not so great mood... I look for the happy songs.. and really, it would be wonderful for Jolly Mon to tell me where I am right now... or better yet, where I'll be in a few months.

Many moons ago, I was pregnant. Like 6.5 months' worth of moons.

To make a long story short(er), this morning I got not one but TWO emails to let me know about these great sales at my favoritest stores... on newborn clothing.

Two of them. When my temperature just screamed "not pregnant" to me.

Fuckers.

There have been way too many reminders this week.

There's a mom's group I belong to.. three of us were pregnant together, due within a few weeks. The other two have already given birth, the second just this week*. I should have been next. I have an aquaintance whose due date was three days after mine, and all indications are that labor is imminent for her. I should be looking forward to labor, getting excited about progress. My own G was born at exactly 37 weeks... I should be past 37 weeks now. My sister wrote a very sweet blog entry about setting up the nursery the other day. I should have a nursery.

And here I sit. So not pregnant.

I haven't cried about this in months, but this morning just did me in.

All I had was two months of pregnancy. Two fucking months, that's all. That's hardly a long time to have it so stuck in my head that I can't run away from it. I'd give away all the happiness I felt at that positive test in a second if it could erase how I'm feeling now... I'd have taken another month of failure.. hell, I've taken several months of failure since then. I hate that I wish I hadn't gotten pregnant, but I do.

When is it enough? When have I paid my dues? When do I get to forget?

It's harder because I am the only one who remembers.

My period will be here in less than a week. I am dreading it this month. I don't think anyone will understand why I'm so upset about it. And I don't want to remind them. They cried enough with me this Spring, I'm not going to bring that back to them.



edited to add: I was just flipping channels and popped onto a channel just in time to hear some guy singing about how "I know it'll be all right" and I agreed... so maybe today won't turn out all bad after all...



*fortunately, it's an internet group - so I don't have to deal with seeing babies or pregnancy, which would make me nuts... I love these girls and I'd hate to have something stupid like that come between our group.

Swing low, sweet BBT...

The downside to being BBT-obsessed is that it makes for a pretty shitty morning when my temp drops. Like it did this morning.

I suspect that I somehow have my number wrong - it is insane to believe my temp dropped a full degree when my period is not due for a week. In fact, I may have actually dreamed that number, but dutiful charter that I am, I put it on there anyway*. This is, of course, the problem with taking my temperature before I'm out of bed, what with that whole not-a-morning-person thing I've got going on.

I do know that at some point, I dreamed about putting that pitifully low number on my chart because I remember crying when fertility-friend took away my crosshairs, effectively saying maybe you didn't ovulate after all... but when I actually put it on there, FF did not yank my crosshairs... so that was indeed a dream. There is something colossally pitiful about dreaming about a BBT.. but then, I've admitted my addiction, so I am at peace with this.

I can't even convince myself it's an implant dip. I'm quite willing to believe that something fucked up is going on with my chart, but I'm not willing to believe that something is a good thing.

Not when I'm 8dpo and have 6 more days of this. A lot of hope can build up in six days. I'm just not going to open that door right now. If I can make it to November without my temp dropping, then I might start to hope.



*I do have another, better, number that I got when I actually woke up for the day, but since I'm afraid it's artificially inflated by possibly being awake earlier, I'm afraid to use it... besides, it was a small drop anyhow, and while my inner optimist can explain away a one-degree anomaly, a .3-degree drop is a sure sign that my chart is trending down...

I feel pukey, oh so pukey...

I f'ing HATE estrogen.

It's the middle of the night and I'm up. Why, you ask? Well, because I'm too nauseous and heartburn-y to sleep. Throw in a couple of sore boobies and when I should be obsessively analyzing symptoms, instead I'm cursing the estrogen.*

DocP wants me to go through this again. He sees nothing wrong with the combination of clomid and estrogen. I'd like to ask him if he's ever tweaked his own hormones so much that he felt sick for weeks on end... or if that would be acceptable to him... but I'm almost afraid to. There's this feeling that when it comes to infertility, one needs to stick it out through the uncomfortable, the embarrassing and the downright painful.

Which is stupid, really - if I were taking any other medication that made me feel this rotten for weeks, I'd be marching in to my doctor asking for a new prescription without a second thought. So why do I feel like this is different?

I've said ad nauseam (ooooh - bad pun, bad pun) infertility is a medical condition. Treatment should be a given, not a privilege.. and yet I treat it like my doctors are doing me some huge favor by treating me. Why am I afraid that if I say "hey, I can't take the side effects" they're going to tell me that I'm just not cut out for this, not worthy of another child because of my own inner wuss?

If I read any of your blogs and saw that your doctor was dismissing a legitimate concern about how you felt while taking a specific med, I'd be angry for you. If you were beating yourself up about stopping a drug because of a side effect, I'd be all about reassuring you that infertility is miserable enough without adding more misery, and giving assvice. Get a second opinion, there's another way... you can do this!

.. and yet I think it's ok for me to go through this again, when I know that there's another way. I have options. I even have a doctor who's willing to explore those options (even if his partner is not). I'm just so afraid that if I take that route and become too pushy or demanding, I'll hear those dreaded words (again): I would not be willing to treat you.**

Deep breath in, repeat: medical condition, not privilege.




*I obsessively analyzed the first month this happened. I'm older and wiser now (two months later) and know it's estrogen... so I don't even get the fun of wondering "what if ...?"

**many moons ago, I had my very first consult with an RE... for various reasons, she decided I was not the kind of patient she wanted. That scared me out of even asking for tests for years...

Hi.

My name is Rachel, and I'm addicted to my BBT.

The RE told me a few months ago to stop temping because it would make me crazy.

Ha - I'm way ahead of him, I was already there.

But I can't stop.

It's an addiction.

I have charted on vacation, I have charted during a deployment (where my chances of pregnancy fell somewhere between "immaculate conception" and "none"), I have charted through raging fevers that I knew would screw up my numbers. Seriously. Can't. Stop.

Step one is admitting I have a problem, right?

Hope, the sequel

Where is my denial of Hope? Where is my inner pessimism? Sweet, sweet apathy, why have you deserted me?

I go through this every cycle. No matter how hard I promise myself that I won't obsess, I won't analyze... I just can't help it. I'm deep in the throes of my FCP... and oh man does it suck.

Latest obsessions: I started having some serious hot flashes last night. Oh. My. God. Hot flashes on a clomid cycle - must be a sign! (I know, I know, that's the sick part of all this - I know it's irrational)

.. and I fell asleep! Can you imagine? Millions of people fall asleep every night. I bet 99% of them don't wonder if it's a sign. But I fell asleep eeeaaaarrrlllyyyyy (yes, I'm whining now too). Of course, that can't have anything to do with the fact that I was tired from waking up obscenely early yesterday, so it must be .... a sign.

AND THEN - then, I woke up early this morning as well! I'm quite sure that had nothing to do with the fact that (a) I fell asleep early last night and (b) the hubby was stomping around at the ass-crack of dawn, spewing obscenities because he was running late and missing an important piece of his uniform this morning. Oh no, all that is trivial and background. It was.... a sign.

... I won't even go into what happened when I took my BBT. It's sick, and depraved and hopeful.

Twiddling my thumbs

Not much going on, still.

I got up obscenely early this morning.

TMI - we attempted to go for a little recreational s-e-x and it hurt. OMG did it hurt.

I have a tendency to have swollen ovaries when I'm on clomid, so we practice a lot of abstinence in the 2WW. I thought we were safe today, I only had two-or-three follicles this month, so I figured they can't be that swollen (certainly not as bad as the cycle that overstim'd me and made me discuss my sex life with half the ER staff). That's what I get for being optimistic, eh?

Granted, I didn't wind up crying at my local hospital this time, but it was still uncomfortable enough that I didn't go back to sleep either.

I'm glad that I'm pissed off about this. The first time it happened, I fell into this pity-party about yet one more thing that infertility had taken away... that sucked. I'd rather be pissed.

My doc says painful sex while on meds is common enough that he likes to use IUI just so sex isn't necessary... and I didn't have the heart to tell him that while that took care of my procreational needs, it didn't do a hell of a lot for my entertainment needs. Sure, we could sign up for Netflix and watch movies every night for two weeks*... but damn, that's not exactly the same.

So it looks like my parts are out of commission for the month, and I'm Only. Five. dpo. (I think)

Hell of a way to spend the 2ww.

Especially since I know that early-morning insomnia was my first p-word symptom both times... the pre-dawn nookie was supposed to take my mind off the fact that I'm wondering if waking up at 5 AM two days in a row might be significant, when I'm only 5-freaking-dpo... ohhhh... the insanity...

Yeah. I'm twiddling my thumbs. I'm too afraid to twiddle anything else.




*every night... [snort] yeah, B wishes.

Radioaction

According to my neighbors, I am glowing. They seem to think it's significant.. at least, the second neighbor to comment on it did.. the first neighbor, who is unaware of our situation, accepted that I was just wearing makeup for a change. (which I suspect is the reason she decided I was glowing)

What is this glow they speak of? Dare I worry that I'm emitting some sort of weird radiation? Because, you know, I'm 3dpo... far too early for that glow. Maybe I ate one too many boxes of cereal as a kid.. you know, the ones that came with the glow-in-the-dark toys inside. Back then there was no hygienic plastic bag encircling the toy to prevent cereal contamination. I could easily have ingested microscopic flecks of glow-in-the-dark coating. Hell, it's entirely possible I ate the toy itself... and, similar to the gum my mother swore was indigestible, it sat dormant in my body just waiting to make its way out all these years. I'm not going to admit to how many years, but I haven't been a kid in a long time.

It could happen.

O Google, My Google... how I love the hits.

First, the ones which make me sad. I know I'm projecting, but some of these you read and you just know that the person on the other end of that search isn't in a good spot.

why iui fails oh hon, i wish i knew

drop in bbt a sign of miscarriage i hope not.. i really, really hope not.

.. and the ones that leave me speechless:

myopic uterus what?

theme park rides implantation conception here's someone who'll know what not to say to an infertile in this situation.

he is fertile uhh... congrats?

Then there's the ones that make me laugh tho admittedly I'm easy and it doesn't take much:

morning sickness 1dpo Three letters for ya babe... F..C..P..

you're my obsession lyrics There's always one that I look at and think 'bet you weren't expecting this search result'

pregnant but no hcg seems there are a lot of us with FCP out there

psychosomatic pregnancy signs after iui if I didn't know better, I'd think this one was me.

moms implantation pain as opposed to dad's?

hate pelvic exams you and me both, kid. you and me both.

im having weird side effects from clomid i have nothing to say.. just the wording of this search cracked me up.

and the occasional search that makes me ask WTF??

ok for 8 month old to be out of my sight uhh... sure, leave
your precious bundle o' joy unattended. just watch out for those nutty
infertiles.. you know we're all just waiting to snatch your baby

2dpiui

Last cycle, I was writing my poetry right about now.

I'm in a totally different place right now. Not only am I not feeling poetic, I'm not feeling like my 2dpiui status is worth thinking about.

I'm having an awfully hard time writing about anything today because... well, because I'm just not really thinking about it. I feel crampy and sore from the IUI itself, bloated and nauseous from the estrace.. and I still have to force myself to actually put my mind to reproduction today. I can spend hours thinking about what I want to bake today but I'm just not interested in thinking about any theoretical buns I might have in my uterine oven. Just not interested...

So I'm going to focus on that - the blase attitude I'm developing today. I just have this feeling that either it worked or it didn't, and stressing over it isn't going to make a difference. Stressing over the relative merits of brownies vs. cookies, now that's productive. At the end of the day, I'll have a snack to show for it if I can only work out which one I want. Stressing over baby or no baby... won't make a difference. Not only that, but I won't have that all-important closure I crave. No matter how much I focus my energy on wondering, I still won't know a thing today.

So why even think about it? In past cycles, I've been known to be very superstitious. Wearing the lucky (or not as it turned out) necklace, choosing my daily clothing with conception in mind. No really.. imagine an entire two-week-wait that demanded I wear at least one item of my least-favorite-color every single day. Been there, done that... tossed the pink t-shirt afterwards. I've visualized positively, talked to my ovaries and my uterus... whatever I could think of. This month, I think my entire reproductive pep talk consisted of please don't fuck up. I dutifully had my post-IUI discussion with the uterus as I laid there... and then I took a nap. Why? Well, it certainly wasn't because I thought fertilization was best accomplished in my sleep. It was just because I was tired. Imagine that - on the very apex of my infertility treatment, IUI day, I was not thinking about reproduction every second of the day.

.. and I don't think that's going to make one tiny bit of difference in the outcome. Once again, I'm thinking Either it happened, or it didn't. I'll find out in a few weeks.



Jeez, if this attitude sticks around for the next few weeks, I'll have pitifully little to write about. Feel free to throw out suggestions for topics. I suspect I'll need them.

I think too much... with bonus feature: the IUI that almost wasn't

First things first, no? Yesterday's IUI almost didn't happen. As feared, we'd waited a bit long.. but let me back up and give you some background.

G was hanging with his usual babysitter, my neighbor. I like for his visits to her house to be short. She has a son who is close to G's age, and the two of them do not always get along. They react one of two ways - either they're best friends, or they fight like cats and dogs. Being as they're three, it's hard to predict what kind of day they'll have, so it's generally best to not have them together for extended periods, or I risk my kid getting beat on. We have recently discovered the hospital day care (who will watch him! for free!), but they will only watch him when I have an appointment at the hospital. Since the andrology lab that does sperm washing is not part of ths hospital, on IUI day, when I really need a sitter, they're not an option for the first half of my day. So G was at the neighbor's and I was determined not to spend a lot of time away.

After we left the lab with our swimmers, we had two things to do - the IUI, and a visit to the insurance office at the hospital to straighten out an issue we've been having with them. Since the last two IUI's had been a breeze, I told B to go ahead and deal with the insurance, I'd go solo to the insemination so we could get home faster. Smooth move.

Yeah, the last two went just fine... but this time, since I'd already ovulated, my cervix was already closing (closed?) and that whole painlessly-insert-catheter-in-five-seconds thing didn't happen. Two words: tenaculum and ouch. I was really worried my doc was going to call this whole thing off when he had that much trouble. He didn't.. although he did ask if I'd been through this before. Yes, but it never hurt before!

Survived that, and I have a tiny ray of hope.. I had this weirdly symbolic dream while snoozing through my half hour of laying down afterwards. FYI- weekend IUI's, done in L&D have much more comfortable beds. I'm not going to recount the dream yet, because I'm oddly afraid of jinxing myself, but I did want to mention it, so I don't seem so nuts if I get hopeful this cycle*, even though so many things went wrong that made this seem like a hopeless cycle.

Which brings me to the 'thinking too much' part of this.

This is not what I'd call the ideal IUI cycle. We waited too long, I had already ovulated, possibly as much as 24+ hours before the IUI, AND we'd totally blown away the IUI abstinence, which (as expected) drastically affected B's sample... enough that his count, typically low-normal, occasionally low, was flirting with 'severely low', but thankfully not too low for IUI. Interestingly, the lack of abstinence did not significantly change his motility. Which has nothing to do with anything, except that it's interesting trivia.

So, I'm telling myself that this is not the cycle to get my hopes up. The only thing that was significantly better than past cycles was my endometrium. That measured a fluffy 10-point-something, a big improvement over my piddly 6.9 last month. B's numbers were depressingly low statistically speaking. I had maybe two viable follicles (three if you include Monday's collapsing follicle), which is much lower than my average of five.

.. but I can't shake the knowledge that my two pregnancies both came about when it seemed hopeless. I got a positive test with G two days after B's first SA results came in. You know, where my doctor said she wanted to look into that before proceeding any further because it was a problem. My second pregnancy, conception occurred about two weeks after my doctor said it was bad enough to require IUI. So I have a proven history of conception when it's least expected. My public reproductive fuck you to my doctors, so to speak. Not to mention this was the one IUI where B was not even in the room. So I've got the added knowledge that it should not work this time, combined with the crappy-conception story of how the hubby was not present. Which does not make me less hopeful, it has the opposite affect. (I'm really f'ing backwards here.. recurring theme in my life)






*at the moment, i'm not hopeful, i'm confident... which is freaking me the fuck out. because, you know, i'm confident that fertilization occurred. the only thing keeping me from freaking out MORE is that i'm not confident about implantation.. just fertilization.

New sign of FCP - ovulation symptom analysis.

I just had an epiphany.

The last few days have included several (ok, two.. no, three) difficult babymaking decisions.

...and I, cynic.. nonbeliever.. I forgot the earlier wisdom of the fortune cookie.

And the reminder a few days later. you gotta look hard for that one, it's at the very bottom

Holy precognition, Batman! All signs point to... keep trying.

I woke up this morning with a small temp spike. Possible post-ovulatory temp, but very, very small. Better yet, I also had some serious ovarian pain. The one thing I love about clomid is that it makes ovulation downright painful.

she's a masochist! run now while you can!

No, that's not it - I like knowing (approximately) when ovulation occurs. BBT isn't precise enough, and the turkey's-done button that I'd like to install on my stomach is not yet a perfected technology. Til then, all I've got is the "ow-my-inner-girlparts-hurt" alarm. Eh, I'll take it.

Especially if it means that I'm ovulating now.

Real quick...

A couple of you asked about B's count in the comments in my last post.. figured I'd address it here.

His count is ok, it's low but in the normal range. Sometimes it's lower, sometimes it's higher, but it's always been at least ok. ("suboptimal" was the word my first doc used to describe it.. difficult but not impossible) Mainly, he has problems with motility and morphology. I know that count is affected by abstinence, but it's rare to see motility and morphology addressed - tho I did find a study this afternoon that said that more than 24-48 hours abstinence is actually worse for mot/morph...

So we hit it. I'd rather risk having fewer chances with the IUI than having no chance by missing ovulation.

And Erin, DocP is concerned with the manufacturer's response to off-label use of letrozole as a fertility drug. DocNH pretty much rolled his eyes at the same topic when we discussed it last week, he has no concerns about that aspect, so I don't either. After discussing the protocol involved in injectibles with DocP today*, I'm leaning heavily towards asking NH for letrozole next time I see him. When in doubt, I trust the doctor I agree with.



*DocP has greater concerns with using inj's on pco patients who don't have weight issues (the gist of it is that we respond differently to meds, and can go from nothing to extreme with a small dose change); since I already had one over-reaction to clomid, they would want to stim me slowly.. his exact phrase was "it could take a month or so" I'm not so sure I'd want to stim for a month, I just don't have the patience to spend a month preparing for a cycle that did not involve IVF.

Fudge.

But not the sugary good kind of fudge.

The Ralphie-Christmas-Story kind of fudge.

I should have known to listen to the B when he said we should get busy yesterday "just in case".

I should not have cracked that joke about ovulating during my ultrasound.

I should not have even wondered what a follicle looks like during ovulation.


So.. yeah, DocP said it looks like I'm ovulating. Hard to tell, he says, but the collapsing follicle in there is a pretty good clue. Possible that the other two will hold out for tomorrow, but not definite, could go either way.

He has no advice on if we should continue with the IUI or not.

.. and he's against the meds change that Doc NoHumor and I discussed last week. So against it that while he's willing to keep injectibles as a potential subject for discussion, he's not willing to keep letrozole on the table as a possibility.

But he's more optimistic than I am - "let's just assume you get pregnant this cycle and we don't have to worry about changing your meds next cycle".

Yeah... I'm not holding my breath on that one.

And I'm not supposed to cry before the two-week-wait even starts... that's not how this works.


Share your opinions on this, please... I'm really, really at a loss: In this situation, would you break the IUI abstinence in the hopes that you don't miss ovulation, and take the risk of having a not-so-great sample for the IUI, or would you keep the abstinence and hope that there's even something there to inseminate tomorrow?

Still not tonight dear, I'm f'ing tired.

I have so much hope for this cycle that I seem to have abandoned the BMD.

Oh, not entirely, I'm still not back to my Dew (my blessed, beautiful Dew that I miss so much)... choosing instead to substitute with diet (caffeine free!) soda of the variety that my parents used to drink. I hated it then and I hate it now. So much that I don't even like to drink it. The bonus to that is I'm hardly drinking any soda, which is probably a good thing, but let me tell you, the entertainment value of my food consumption is roughly equal to watching grass grow.

However, in the last week, I did consume way too many cinnamon rolls, and last night I made chocolate mousse.

Can I get bonus "effort points" for skipping fruit juice (which is bad-bad-bad according to the evil nutritionist) and maintaining my two-fruit-a-day maximum? evil nutritionist appears to have an anti-fruit bias, although he covered it up well with an explanation of the process by which the body metabolizes fruit sugars differently. whatever, I know he was evil and just making me cry wasn't enough - he had to take away my second-favorite food group also.. since, you know, I'd already laid off the Dew and he couldn't take my most favorite food group

At any rate, I'm doing a sort of cafeteria low-carb-ness lately. I'll have diet soda with my mousse and consider that even enough to cancel each other out.

But my big development is kicking the caffeine habit. I've backslid a little, but mostly I've given it up.

Did I mention that B has recently returned from Colombia? With coffee beans? Yeah, you know that sucks.

.. and we're now a one-car family and I'm dragging my arse out of bed at the crack of dawn to take the hubby to work.

I checked with Dr Google last night* and found two things - caffeine is bad in pregnancy, but fine while trying.... unless you're fertility-challenged... in which case you must give up caffeine for not only the nine months or so during which you have a successful pregnancy, but also the months (years) prior to that.

Fucking great. Take away my ability to conceive on demand AND my ability to stay awake past the G's bedtime. I suppose the Cosmic Gods of Reproduction figure that since we haven't had so much luck with that whole sex thing lately, we don't need it at all.

Thanks. Thanks a lot. B sends extra thanks.



bonus blog footage: second mid-scan is today. temp dropped in a BIG way this morning... partly, I'm sure, due to the obscenely early hour at which I took that temp, but possibly also partly my normal pre-O dip... I have visions of ovulating in the middle of my wanding, and while it would be interesting as hell to have DocP freaking out Mrs B, you appear to have lost a follicle.. this must be some vanishing follicle syndrome, rare and never-before-discovered, I'm not so sure that would make up for missing our IUI this cycle.




*after my consultation about the preferable abstinence period prior to IUI failed to give me the information I wanted - namely, that we were good to go then... It's a cruel, cruel sort of irony that the only time my body can get over its hormonally-induced lack of sex drive is the only time when I can't actually have sex.