My Lottery Ticket

Well, we had the insemination today. Tons of stuff for me to laugh about: B forgot his ID in the car when we went in to give 'em the swimmers. The lab tech had to look up his ID from last time and commented that she didn't remember B, but she did remember me. Sadly, I was too afraid to ask why I was memorable.

B did his thing, the lab did their thing, and we waited. The lab tech told us that we could wait upstairs in the lab waiting room since she didn't have anyone else coming this morning. I'll spare you the details about just how long I giggled over that choice of words. Mature, I am not.

An hour later, we left clutching a little vial of pink liquid and an envelope containing the report on the swimmers. Fortunately for me, today's envelope was taped much easier than last time - I got into that sucker in no time.

And I was stunned. It's not a complete semen analysis (it was missing the two biggest problems we've had: morphology and white blood cell count), but ALL of the other numbers were a HUGE improvement over last time. So much so that in nearly everything they checked, B's numbers were within normal range. OMG OMG. I thought I was giddy before, but now - that Hope, she will not be stopped.

So we headed over to the hospital, since it's the weekend, my RE's office is closed and inseminations are done by the doc-on-call in labor and delivery. I wasn't as bothered by the pregnant bellies in L&D today, because Hope was sitting next to me. Even when the Lamaze class tour came by and the waiting room was suddenly flooded with bellies, I was ok. Now that is a small miracle. Maybe even not-so-small.

By pure luck, we got a really nice doctor today.. and another pregnant belly in the room. Yes, I may have been impregnated by a pregnant woman. B thought that part was funny. I know this because he's mentioned it a few times. To me.. to my mom.. you get the idea.

The IUI itself was uneventful, and only took a few minutes. My newer, better doc let me hold the swimmers until it was time to put them in (instead of tossing them on the counter to sit alone and cold like the last doc did), and even asked B to hand her a few things she needed. I joked that he was getting to participate in the potential conception. It felt good that he had something to do. Last time, all he could do was sit in his chair and watch, and that made me very, very sad. If ever there's anything a partner should be able to participate in, it's the conception of a child.

They left us alone in the room afterwards. I had my half hour to lay there and wait. The nurse put up one of the bed rails in case I wanted to scoot over so B could join me "and cuddle.. there's plenty of room on the bed". She told us they wouldn't be back to bother us, just after half an hour, I could go... and then she turned out the lights and left. So we could cuddle.

Uhh... yeah. Because a hospital room is so romantic, right? I waited my half hour.. and took one for the team. How many people can say they've done that? I'll add it to the list of things infertility has taught me because I cannot think of a single other situation where I'd have even considered doing that while sitting in a labor room.



Now... I feel like I've been handed my newest lottery ticket. In two weeks, we'll know if it's a winner.

Please. Please. Please let this be it.

Oh yeah, it's my birthday..

Well, ok, it's not my birthday, it's Grape's birthday.. but it's a very good day for me too.

For the second time in a row, I cried leaving the hospital parking garage... only this time it was a good cry.

WE'RE ON FOR THE IUI TOMORROW!!!

My ultrasound looked good. Endometrium was a bit thinner than I would have liked (6.9), but Doc No-Humor didn't seem concerned about that. Best of all, I had FOUR follicles. Four is such a beautiful number, isn't it? We get to have the insemination and I didn't have to make any hard decisions.

Life is good today. Whatever the outcome of this cycle, at least I know I had one good day where it felt like I won the lottery.. and for that, I am grateful.

It's almost party time

Just a bit over twelve hours to go til my mid-cycle scan. About 36 hours until the potential insemination.

Not that I'm obsessing. Much.

Last night, I had a nice talk with my ovaries. They didn't have much to say (working hard to grow those follicles, I assume), but they listened, I think. I felt a couple of twinges during my talk and I'm pretty sure those were just to let me know they're doing something in there.

Rather nice of them to be so social this month. Do social ovaries produce social eggs? 'Cause I'm thinking that social ones might be more open to partying with the swimmers, so I want those eggs. Maybe I can even throw on some mood music, light some candles, get them all in the mood for the weekend.

Yeah, I'm a little excited.. and maybe a bit weird.

Still... I feel like there's a lot riding on this month. If throwing a reproductive party will help, I'm all for it.

Grapefruit

How come hormones and dietary restrictions are so incredibly linked in my life??

So I was working on my studies tonight (I'm close to getting my degree in Reproductive Endocrinology from Google U) .. and I learned something while searching for "estrogen side effects" - because, of course, any new medication must be met with distrust and wariness... and I learned that I shouldn't eat grapefruit while taking estrogen.

Good thing, 'cause I was thinking about squandering my two-fruit-a-day allowance on what is probably the bitterest* fruit ever invented.



* yes, I think I made that word up. ok, I know I did since I'm anal enough to have to run a quick dictionary.com search.

Secondary vs Primary, and the day where hope makes a reappearance

There's a message board that I read sometimes. Right now they're engaging in that secondary vs. primary infertility debate. You know the one - who has it worst? That is such a no-win discussion.

I've lived both sides of that debate. They both hurt. Although there are parts that are more painful for one situation or another, the basic core of the hurt is the same:

There is an innocence in believing that your future is how you plan it, that your children are just waiting for you to decide they should be born, and that fairy tales are real. When that innocence is ripped away, the pain is deep, and that part is the same whether you have one child, or ten. Or none.



.. on a happier note, I've decided to go ahead and let myself be optimistic about this cycle. I usually rein that in out of fear - bigger disappointment if* the cycle fails - but I feel like this month should be different. I'm going to enjoy what I can, and go into it expecting a happy outcome. I'm not picking out names, or buying baby clothes or anything quite that delusional optimistic.. but I have this weird, peaceful feeling that things will work out just fine and the insemination will proceed as planned. (hope? is that what hope feels like?).

Next week, we'll work on 'hope in the two-week-wait'.


* check out that optimism - I said if.

Unqualified or underqualified?

So.. what's going on in the reproductive front? Not much. Tonight is my last night of clomid, and I'm a bit disappointed at the lack of side effects. I've only gotten bitchy a few times (although my loved ones may disagree), my 'visual disturbances' have been more annoying than fun this month, and they've come with a migraine more often than not. The one side effect that I can count on absolutely is that clomid will rob me of my sex drive, and that one, not so much fun... although I do find a bit of humor in the fact that so much IF treatment comes with abstinence, either voluntary or otherwise. Yeah, we're trying to make a baby so we've quit having sex. (note to the stupid woman last week with the "I know what causes that" comment: apparently sex is NOT the cause. so there.)

I have my mid-cycle ultrasound Friday. That's very much on my mind. I'm past the early innocence when a mid-cycle scan only meant a chance to look at the beautiful follicles I'd made that might one day become a beautiful baby. I am pretty sure that my June Cycle cured me of that. At least, that was the last time I remember going into a mid-cycle appointment without a little fear. There is a fine line when it comes to egg production, and I have been toying with the too-many-eggs side for the last few months. This is probably the month where I will have to draw that line in the sand, and decide just how many is too many for us. It is a very sobering realization. I fully understand the desperation, the fear of missing an opportunity by not taking a chance. That fear is heightened by knowing that our chances are few and far between, and I worry that I'm not qualified (or rational enough) to make this decision.

I suppose this is part of what people think of when they say ART is 'playing God'. I wonder if they know what an uncomfortable position it is.

Actual conversation today:

Stupid woman: "Oh, you have two boys. Wow - are you going to try for that girl?"

B: "uh. yeah. sure."

SW: "I have three kids - I tell people it took me three tries to figure out what caused it" chuckle, chuckle.

I had to bite my tongue. Really, I did. Thankfully, I start my clomid tonight, and by this time next week, I'll be speaking my mind. I can't wait. Chuckle, chuckle.

B's Mojo

I'm not a disciplinarian. Grape knows this, and runs amok with little fear of retribution. He knows that B is really the one he needs to worry about when he's misbehaving. Apparently, my girlparts know this also. I have proof:

My cycles are irregular, but generally predictable. Either I'll have a 35-40 day cycle, or a monster cycle (90-100 or so days). I have never had one of those three-month cycles while B was home. I know now that those cycles are my ovaries thumbing their cystic little noses at me, secure in the knowledge that I am powerless, and the B in Charge is miles away. I don't think it's coincidence that I planned most of my IF testing for last year, while B was deployed. Consciously, I did it because it was the only 'progress' I could make. Subconsciously, I knew it was because the girls would misbehave badly enough that my doctor would take note. Mice playing when the cat's away and all that.

BUT, my final proof came this week. AF showed up, nearly a full week early... just a few short days after B gave his ultimatum suggested date of insemination. I counted, and the one day that B suggested, is day13. Day 14 is when my doc usually does an insemination*, but that is a Sunday. No inseminations on Sundays, so they do 'em the day before... on B's suggested date.

How the hell does he do that?




*of course, that is dependent on whether or not my complacent (ha!) ovaries are ready, but thus far, after three months of clomid, they have always been ready at my day12-or-13 ultrasound.

Food is such an emotional thing, right?

Wanna hear how to make me cry? Remind me - repeatedly - that I'm not pregnant.

So.. I went to see the nutritionist today. I'm still struggling with this low carb thing, and I had a bunch of questions.. the nutritionist spent a LOT of time explaining how the hormones from the placenta affect insulin resistance, and then said (somewhere around 50 times), "but you don't need to worry about that right now because you don't have a placenta" .. yeah, I lost the placenta right about the same time I lost the baby, thanks for the reminder.

He also spent a lot of time emphasizing the connection between insulin resistance and gestational diabetes, saying stupid things like "you don't need to be worried about that because you're not pregnant" then why the hell are we talking about it? or "that's really something you'll worry about in your third trimester" oh yeah? you mean the trimester I'm supposed to be in now? and - my personal fave, he mentioned that I'll have to be stricter about my diet when I'm pregnant because my doctor will take me off my metformin.. and when I pointed out that they'd kept me on it before, he replied "well, they'll take you off it by 20 weeks" oh, well, I wouldn't know that since I didn't make it to 20 weeks.

I didn't even ask half the questions I had because I was too busy biting my cheek to keep from crying. I just couldn't cry in there. I can't be the crazy lady who cries over a nutrition appointment.. even though I had good reason - after all, wouldn't you cry if they told you No. Brownies. Ever..?

And did I mention I got my period yesterday?

Dear Jackasses

(the title of this post really isn't intended for B.. although, at the time that I received the email that prompted his letter, I might have argued that point)

Dear B,

I will do my best to convince the ovaries that they must be ready for an insemination no later (or earlier!) than the one day you have told me you are available, based on the latest changes in your work schedule.

love,
me

Yeah, he did it again. Really, I think it's sweet that my husband honestly believes I have some choice in insemination dates. I also think it's maddening that his schedule is so changeable this summer. The one time I am least prepared to be flexible. And those jackasses responsible parties on his ship who think that this whole process is some "optional" thing, and him asking for time off for the procedure is an inconvenience? They deserve their own letter.

Dear B's boss(es),

Let me just say first how sorry I am that my husband's request for time off is inconvenient; it may come as a small consolation to you that it is also a bit inconvenient for us to need to do this. Additionally, I understand you are baffled why he needs to participate in something that is "my" medical care. I assume you are aware that conception requires two participants? From your reactions, I can surmise that you believe that my doctor is sufficient to assume the role of participant #2. I assure you, he is not. I also assume that because you have witnessed so many children conceived while a spouse was out to sea, you have determined that a husband is not a requirement for said conception, and that any interested party can be a substitute. While this is technically true, it is an entirely different situation from ours, and as such is not really applicable here. You have probably noticed that those Sailors whose spouses conceived without their presence have suffered problems with their morale (not to mention their marriages!); as such, it is my theory that conception-by-proxy is not in the best interests of the Navy. As we all know, those interests take precedence over all other concerns, so I am selflessly requesting his presence at the potential conception... for the good of the Navy.

Sincerely,
Mrs. B.

Emotional Fertility

I was reading this today.. and it hit me that many, many infertile blogs are private, or secret, or just plain not open to IRL family/friends. Mine is one of them. Absolutely no one in my 'real' life has the address to this blog, or even knows it exists. I'm ok with sharing my most private thoughts and feelings with strangers, but not with the people who know and care about me. I'm not entirely sure why, but I think that it's probably because I feel like most people who read a blog entirely about infertility, written by someone they don't know, are probably only interested because it's something that's affected their own life.. and a kindred spirit is not going to think I'm bitchy, or bitter or ungrateful because I have real feelings that aren't always pretty. And they're not going to treat me differently because of this, either. I don't necessarily trust my RL friends to understand that. I don't trust my family to understand that. Many days, I'm convinced that even B, who is right here in the trenches with me, doesn't understand. But I still need to vent these feelings. When I hold them inside, they fester, and they make me become that bitter, bitchy person that I'm worried others will perceive.. I'm more sensitive to the perceptions of others because, like, everyone knows we're having problems. (and sometimes, the pity is a bit much. I refuse to add to that by baring my soul).

I've said before that I'm really open about my infertility, which is true - to a point. I'm very open with the fact that we have fertility problems, I'll answer any questions about our treatment, testing or experiences.. but I can't seem to bring myself to discuss my feelings about any of that with anyone who actually knows my name. If I am directly questioned, generally, I sidestep the issue - because honestly, no one really wants to know. They care about me, but they're just not prepared to know how all this makes me feel. Rarely, I'll discuss it with someone who has a genuine need to understand the emotional side of infertility. Those discussions are hard, but I think they're important - recently I spent a while explaining to a friend why her infertile relative couldn't "just be happy" about a pregnancy announcement. It made me delve far deeper into my own feelings than I am usually comfortable with around friends.

Don't get me wrong - I want my loved ones to understand me and empathize. I wish I could talk about how I feel with them... but since most people can't understand without actually walking in these shoes, they react with pity, whispering like I have a terminal disease, or - worse yet - avoiding me like infertility is somehow contagious. It makes for awkward moments, especially when it comes to big life-changing announcements that other people don't want to share with me.*

I think I am ready to share my feelings with the world, but since the world isn't ready for me yet, I'll just keep them here.

Chugging along.

I'm as spontaneous as the next girl (ok, not really), but sometimes a little predictability might be nice. I've been doing this same dance with my reproductive organs for many, many months, and we're not in a rut yet. Every day, it's something new. Most of that is because of my PCOS. I described it to a friend once as living with the Little Ovaries that Couldn't. They chug along, day after day, repeating "I think I can, I think I can", and they're trying.. but they can't.

The way I understand PCOS*, my ovaries really do try. My entire body gears up for ovulation, but something goes wrong at the last minute, and nothing happens. I have all the signs - cervical position, cervical mucus (what a gross word), positive OPK**, everything's going along swimmingly, and then ... nothing. That's happened twice this week. First it was Tuesday, when I expected to ovulate. Then Friday, it was false alarm two. I'm still holding out hope that Friday was the real deal, because, well, B was home on Friday. I even had a two-day temp rise on my chart, which added a nice little plateau to the Swiss Alps I've got going on.

Today, my temp dropped drastically. And I am confused. I should be grateful - confusion is the one predictable part of my cycle.

Today could be an anomaly, and if I were a patient person (hahaha!), I'd wait it out and see what tomorrow brings. Either way, that will tell me if I have in fact ovulated (although it won't really clear up the Tuesday/Friday puzzle, but hey, I'll take what I can get).

And then, I actually found myself wondering "could that be an implantation dip?" at three-freaking-dpo. (which is, of course, insanely early for implantation).

I marvel at my optimism sometimes.




*totally non-scientific, and I could be wrong, but right now it's as good a theory as any, considering how much is unknown about pco

**I just have to say this, because I am incapable of typing "opk" without adding it: I hate, hate, HATE them.

Ahh.. crap.

I had an idea for a blog entry earlier, but now I can't remember what it is.

Maybe if I sit here for a minute it'll come back to me. I hope. Otherwise, this could quite possibly win an award for the least interesting blog entry ever.

Oh yeah, I remember.

I've had multiples on my mind lately, and I can't tell if it's my dormant psychicness finally shedding some light on my future, or if it's just plain fear. Either way, I've had a lot of multiple-reminders. Thursday, it was the babies at the lab. Friday, it was the conversation with Grape's ST. Today, it was a conversation I had with my mom. She had saved me a newspaper article from the other day about families with triplets. It wasn't the usual fluff piece you read about "oh how cute - three babies!", but a more realistic look at life with triplets (of the three families they profiled, only one did not have major medical issues they were dealing with in their children). My mother is paranoid about "litters". I think I've mentioned this before, mom's heart is in the right place, but her mouth sometimes isn't. We've had some pretty frank discussions on what's going on with my body, which is weird - this is the woman who has never had a discussion about S-E-X with me. No S-E-X talk, but she knows all about my infertility, my problems with clomid and exactly how an insemination works. Mom's got a medical background, so she's fascinated by the whole thing, even if she doesn't understand it all (back when she was a nurse, there was no clomid, no IUI, no IVF). The down side to this is that she also has spent some time researching the scarier outcomes. She saved the article for me because one of the women profiled had an insemination planned that was cancelled when her mid-cycle ultrasound showed five follicles. Sound familiar? It did to my mom, too.

I'll admit, the article was a little scary to read. It blew some of the sunshine-and-roses off the "cuteness" of having multiples.. and the fact that it's the third reminder I've had of twins/triplets in as many days might make me think.

If I were a superstitious woman*, I'd say this is either some cosmic foreshadowing or a hint that maybe next cycle, five should be enough for me to say "no, thanks".**


*ok yeah, I am superstitious. Very superstitious.

**Not that I wouldn't love three children, if we were fortunate enough to find ourselves pregnant, but it's not my preferred outcome. I have seen what happened to my body when I was pregnant with one.

Random Friday thoughts.

Couple of interesting things to report today - first, I think my body is playing tricks on me. I have all the signs of impending ovulation, but it's way too late in the month for that. Naturally, today's the day the hubby came home, so now I'm afraid I'll be hopeful all month. Damn me.

Second, we met Grape's new speech therapist today. They sent me an infertile (!). Weird that I'm so excited about this, right? But it almost makes up for the fact that the last one they sent us was pregnant. Very nice, patient with Grape, but still very pregnant. (She's on maternity leave right now, which is why we've got a new ST). Anyway, the new ST was playing with Grape, and doing a damn fine job of keeping up with his energy*, so I complimented her on it. She told me she was used to it - she had two three-year-old boys. And a three-year-old girl. Yep, triplets. And a six-year-old girl.

Sounded like IF to me. I desperately wanted to ask, but I can't. I am bound by the code of infertile etiquette, and The Code strictly prohibits asking others about their fertility. Asking, not cool. Working fertility into a conversation, perfectly acceptable. So how do you work fertility into a conversation about a child's speech? We had to set up a usual time to meet, so I (obviously) had to warn her that we were in fertility treatments and might run into a situation where we have to reschedule with little or no notice.** Turns out that not only did she have fertility treatments, but she went to the same clinic I do. It's really nice to see an actual success story that came from my very own doctors. My clinic shares a waiting room with the OB/gyn patients, so even though there are a lot of pregnant women in there, I never know for sure that any of them have been through treatment rather than just getting pregnant the old-fashioned way. Hey, I like the way that sounds - like I'm using new and improved technology, rather than that pesky truth thing where I admit I've been forced into 'artificial' means. If I get pregnant and meet nosey people, would it be freakish to tell them (if they ask, of course) that I got pregnant the new-fangled way? Probably. .. I have seriously got a short attention span. My random thoughts intrude a lot here. I assure you, it is worse in conversation. At any rate, because of the waiting room stuation, I am never reassured of my doc's success rates by the pregnant women around me, so it's really nice to actually know someone who went through this and came out the other end with a bigger family. Maybe that's why I was so excited about this. Or maybe it's just because I feel a little less freakish and alone.



*Grape is an extremely high-energy kid, especially when he's excited, and boy was he excited yesterday. He had a new friend! And she brought cool toys! He was tackling her within 10 minutes. No really, tackling. Somehow, chutes and ladders turned into a contact sport.

**I did have this same conversation with the old ST also, so it's not like I brought it up just to be nosey.

Doctor Visit, part I - The Infertile Assault

i had to write this as a two-part entry. i had two very different thought processes going on this morning, and they just don't go together well enough for the same entry. so here's part 1:

Grape had an appointment for his school physical today.*

The hospital where Grape's doctor practices is no place for the fertility-challenged. Military wives are generally legendary for their fertility (sadly, it's not contagious), and there are always a ton of pregnant women and newborns at the hospital. They tend to cluster in two main areas: the women's clinic (ob/gyn/infertility) and the pediatric clinic. You know, the two places I am forced to visit regularly. It's a conspiracy, not a coincidence, I tell you.

After we survived the stroller gauntlet on the way to the peds clinic, the infertile assault began in earnest in the waiting room. I was accosted by a woman with a four-year-old son and a two-week-old daughter. And no more! Ever! Because she has her "perfect set - one of each!". I know this because she felt the need to share it with me. And then the interrogation began. She asked how old Grape was, if he was my only (always an awkward question - while he is my only, he has a brother. I don't like to share my entire life's history with strangers, except here, of course, but any simple answer to that question feels wrong; either I'm denying T, who is very much a part of my family, or I am denying T's mom by claiming him. No-win situation).. and then she pulled out the big guns "are you planning on having more?". Why, oh why would you ask a perfect stranger that question? I realize that the babymoon and newborn-stage sleep deprivation make you stupid, but still..

Thankfully, I wasn't subjected to that for long.. but the infertile assault continued in the immunization clinic. Grape needed a chicken pox shot. I had put it off as long as I could, but the time had come. Before Grape could get his shot, I needed mine. Only, they forgot to tell me that this is a two-part shot. We had a bit of an awkward moment when they told me I had to come back in 30 days for the second half. Caught unaware, I blurted out "but.. but.. I might be pregnant then". Yeah, I actually said that. Out loud. **

I was pretty happy when they let me go, and we headed off to the safety of the lab for Grape's bloodwork.. which turned into a whole new fertility-related issue. A lot less comedy, and a lot more introspective thinking (punctuated by the hysterical shrieks of my child). But that's part 2.



*small funny - the guy taking my info asked how old Grape is (almost three) and then asked if this physical was for kindergarten... yep, because so many almost-three-year-olds enroll in k'garten.

** lest my optimism hurt my fertility karma, i should point out that i followed that up with "well, probably not, but it is theoretically possible"

Doctor Visit, part II - Acceptable Risk?

In the lab today, there was a woman with a teeny-tiny set of twins. They looked about newborn size, although I heard her say they were three months old. Beautiful babies, a boy and a girl. Both sleeping peacefully. Both hooked up to various monitors and oxygen tubes. Presumably, they were preemies; I heard a vague snatch of conversation about gestational age. Between that, and the various machinery, I think it's safe to say they've had a rough life so far.

It's pretty easy to forget that a twin pregnancy still has risks greater than that of a singleton pregnancy. I have said many times that twins would be acceptable (preferable even!) without really thinking about what I was saying. Just a few days ago, I had five follicles and I thought it was a good outcome. Five.

Next cycle, if I am looking at five again, will it still seem like a good thing?

Will I look at my five (or four, or three) and still think that it's an acceptable risk?

Will the pressure of knowing that we have only a few inseminations left until B leaves for far too long make me take that gamble and hope for the best?

Two cycles ago, when I overstimulated, it was patently obvious that it was not a risk I was willing to take. Last cycle, I was in that gray area where there are no clear answers, no green light saying it's ok, or distended ovaries saying it's not. No psychic connection with the cosmos to tell me what the outcome would be.

I don't have the answers, but after today, seeing those two little ones, I have more questions.

Patience.

Something about this title makes me think I should insert some goofy slogan here ("Patience. It's what's for dinner" perhaps?).

So... I'm not a patient person. I hate waiting. A lot of this babymaking process is waiting. Wait for AF so you can wait to O, wait for insemination, and then the worst part of waiting ever: the two-week-wait. At least the first half of waiting is nicely broken up by all kinds of weird things like side effects and CMS's, and wondering if maybe some miracle will occur and create a baby if you were having sex right that very minute... the two week wait doesn't have those diversions. I hear there are people who pass the time by analyzing symptoms, but I am far too pessimistic for that. I don't analyze symptoms, I deny them. With Grape, I didn't even test until I was four days late because I refused to even hope. With my second pregnancy, I tested on the day AF was due, but I was in such denial that I actually went and got a tattoo at 12dpo*. Hey, my doctor had told me that it was hopeless to even think of pregnancy without an IUI. (not that I'm defensive or anything)

And right now, I'm waiting to ovulate. Based on my calculations, it should happen today. Based on my body, there's nothing going on there. A significant amount of pain yesterday, no temp rise today. So I'm guessing I'm still waiting. Since my super-scientific calculations were based on one cycle, there's some room for error. I am not feeling patient right now. I've mentioned before (ad nauseam) that my timing is critical for both this cycle and next. Naturally, I would expect something to be off this month because of that. I'm trying - very hard - to just relax and go with the flow. (er, go with things. I don't want flow, thanks.) It's a very alien feeling, but one that (I hope) will get easier.


*No, there's no guilt from that. It has never once crossed my mind that, given the outcome, that whole tattoo thing was unwise. And if I keep saying that maybe some day, I'll believe it.

We are experiencing Technical Difficulties

Because, you know, this can't be user error.

I'm having a bit of a problem with the technical side of this whole blogging thing. Which torks me - I may be new to blogger, but this isn't the first time I've ever set up a blog... this one just isn't real user-friendly. (honest, it's the blog, not me.. am i protesting too much?)

Things are showing up late, or not at all here. When I make a new post, I generally have to republish several times before it shows up. When it's really slow, it'll show up the next day. Or the day after.

My comments aren't showing - they're being emailed to me, so I know they exist. But they're not showing up here. Well, sometimes they are. Just not always. And it's kinda hard to reply to invisible comments.


I'll figure it out eventually, I'm sure, but right now I'm feeling a bit computer-illiterate.

I'll be shopping online now

Yesterday, I got a sunburn. That's pretty unusual for me, so I consulted with Dr Google to find out if maybe that's a side effect of my meds. I checked clomid first (since I have had every single possible side effect from that one). My search was for "clomid sun sensitive". The second website listed for that said "Order clomid twins from trusted pharmacies. Buy clomid twins."

Who knew it was that easy?



.. and fyi, sun sensitivity is a side effect of metformin.