Thursday, June 29, 2006


I had a dream last night that I was pregnant.

I found out, accidentally, by ultrasound at 8weeks, 4days. And things looked perfect. In my dream, I just knew everything was fine, and it was. My doctors kept telling me that it wasn't a guarantee, but I just knew better. I knew that since we had a heartbeat at 8w4d, I was going to have a healthy baby.

I don't think the 8w4d thing is a coincidence. Last pregnancy, that was the point at which we had the ultrasound and found out that there was no heartbeat. I guess in my subconscious, if I make it past that point, I feel like I'll be ok. Which is weird, since my conscious knows that there's no magic date, no guaranteed point where pregnancy = living child.

Still, it was a nice dream - even when I was pregnant with Grape, I worried more often than not. I've always wondered what it was like to be pregnant and just enjoy it, without feeling like every day that passed was a bullet dodged, and every day to come was a hurdle to overcome. Maybe it was only a dream, but it was nice to have that carefree confidence even for a little while.

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