Tuesday, June 27, 2006

StepMIL, the expanded explanation

ok, I'll be honest. My sMIL and I haven't had the best relationship over the years. From the beginning, when she blamed me for B & his ex splitting up, (something they "never should have done") despite the fact that I didn't know B existed when they called it quits - and totally ignoring the fact that sMIL was the other woman in B's parents' marriage... to the summer when she thought I was freakishly weird because I had my nose buried in a book every time she got near me (really, I was just tired of her telling me way too many intimate details of her marriage, or her endless comments about what a rotten kid B was, and what kind of man I'd married).. and finally, when she suddenly did a 180 and turned into my biggest fan within five minutes of my pregnancy announcement (didn't think I noticed that, did ya?)... she wasn't my favorite person.

But we're ok now. As much as I hated her in the beginning, she isn't a bad person. As much as I hate to admit it, she is an excellent Grandma. (So much so that I got a bit miffed when she referred to herself as a 'stepGrandma' in that same email - she may be B's stepmom, but she is 100% Grape's Grandmom, and she is very, very good to him). Still, she has a tendency to say exactly the wrong thing, and she really wants more grandkids, which is a bad combination. See, she has one son. She never wanted an only, but her husband already had two children, half-grown by the time #3 came along, and he just wasn't interested in more. So, now she's on a quest for more grandbabies, and B is her only chance for a granddaughter for a while. I've mentioned before that B's family is knee-deep in testosterone, right? Grandma loves her grandsons, but she desperately - desperately - wants to buy little dresses. You'd think that since we're working for a common goal, we'd be allies, but.. that's not quite how it works.

Since B's not really comfortable sharing too much about our issues with his family, they have only a limited idea of what we're really going through. They are aware that we have "problems", but not what those problems are, or what we're doing about them. Many of my inlaws believe that our "problems" can be cured with patience and relaxation, and many of them don't understand or believe in fertility treatments (which is an easy enough position to take when you're not in the position to need them). I've tried to explain a little bit to sMIL so she'll tone down her questions (we've had the "why are you taking so many pills?" discussion), but she didn't really get it. And she's not interested in getting it. So I just don't talk to her much about our plans for children, and hope that she doesn't ask too often. But she does.

She hints - a lot - that she wants another grandbaby, and I've told her - a lot - that we're doing the best we can. I know she means well, so I try to cut her some slack, but our past history means that my knee-jerk reaction is to take offense when she makes a stupid comment. Happens a lot. I should probably be used to it by now.

1 comment:

neva said...

I know this is none of my business....but tell your sMIL what is going on....really...why not?? Everyone else knows...either by knowing you or reading your blog. What is the harm in sharing the truth? I don't get it...I guess I am way too blunt...but in a situation like yours...something painful but liveable...don't you think you would like to have your family's support in this journey and then everyone is on the same page?
I am sorry to read about your infertility. I have 2 SIL who are unable to conceive and one who wants a third and can't get the job done now. Good luck .