Friday, June 09, 2006

I am a pariah

I'm really upset about this, tho I'm not sure why.

My sister is pregnant. After a few months of complaining about how long it took (six months), she's officially announced it to her blog. She still hasn't told me yet, although she did call me the same day she found out - which (coincidentally) happened to be my birthday. I'm glad she didn't mention it then, but the fact that she still hasn't said anything.. well, that's sort of another kick in the teeth. I'm assuming she's got her fingers crossed that someone else will bring it up between now and the time she gives birth so she won't have to deal with the ickiness of telling an infertile about pregnancy.

Look, I know I have fertility issues. I am aware that other peoples' pregnancies bother me, and I'm acutely aware of the isolation infertility can bring. Leaving me totally out of pregnancy announcements or discussions just emphasizes the fact that other people think infertility is some unmentionable disease, something to be avoided, or discussed in whispers. It's not. OK? Maybe it would be better if I just didn't tell anyone that we are having problems, but I can't do that. I am shockingly honest about our fertility problems because I remember how isolated and alone I felt in the beginning. At one of the lowest points in my life, I finally confided in a friend what was bothering me, and I was absolutely shocked to discover I had TWO friends who had already been through fertility treatments and who understood where I was coming from... but since that's not the kind of thing that polite people talk about, I never knew. The relief I had just knowing that other people knew what I was feeling was incredible. So now I'm a little too honest about our problems. If I can spare one friend or aquaintance the pain of that isolation, it's worth all the whispers and pity I get.. and I do get them. Since the entire world knows that I'm having a hard time getting and staying pregnant, there are lots of opportunities for those awkward situations.

.. but I never expected it from my sister. She has known from the very beginning - from my first (unsuccessful) attempts to conceive in my first marriage, to the time when my now-husband and I started trying. She was the first person I told about my first pregnancy.. even before my husband knew, my sister knew. (tacky, I know - but we'd been trying so long, I didn't want to tell him until I was sure, and she was my second opinion). When I was still giving veiled references to other family and friends, my sister knew the absolute truth.

So why is she afraid to tell me that she's pregnant?

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