Monday, November 06, 2006

13dpo... marking time.

I've started dreaming about my BBT again.

Just in case I'd forgotten I'm 13dpo. The BBT dreams generally start right around now.

Because I'm a freak, I think. Who else dreams about thermometers?

I've been having weird feelings about babymaking lately. I think I'm burning out on the whole thing. I'm tired of trying. I've reached the point where I'm expecting negative results, and not holding out hope. 13dpo and the best I've managed in the hope department is "hey, with this kinda timing, we could inseminate before TurkeyDay and totally not screw up the holiday - yeah!"

I guess the thing is... why bother if it's just not going to work?

Rationally, I know, it could work... but I know the statistics. I know that the best chances for success in IUI are in the first few tries, and we've passed that point.

I don't understand how I could get pregnant twice without a doctor in the room, or a single hormone-altering drug... and when we inseminate with drugs... nothing.

I'm not ready to give up, but I think I'm entering that phase where I start shaking my fists at the heavens and crying "what the fuck?".*

*because even God has to deal with my potty-mouth.


Heather said...

It's ok. God is a big boy, he can handle it...

Thinking about you...

Erin said...

It sucks how IF takes over our lives. When we were thinking of doing another cycle of IUI this year, my big thought was that Thanksgiving would be at the perfect time, right around the middle of the 2ww. Done with IUI but not yet spotting. That was the most positive thing I could think of also. I think we needed this break.

I don't understand why we were dealt this hand and why it's played out this way for you and B.

I've dreamed about my monitor--I am about to ovulate and we're going to do an IUI but I'm at work and I forgot to use it that morning, and we're going to miss ovulation and miss the IUI. I guess I'm a freak as well.

DD said...

Someone once told me if I feel relief because we've decided to stop trying, that it's time to stop trying. Until then? We keep at it and cussing the Heavens.