Saturday, November 11, 2006

Ok, so I'm still here.

Thanks to the beauty of on-again/off-again sore breasts, things are really getting done around my house.

See, B & I react a bit differently when we worry - I look for something to occupy my mind so that I won't have time to think. He looks for mindless busywork so he won't have to think. (Meanwhile G takes shameless advantage of this parental distraction and spends the entire afternoon jumping in puddles in the back yard.)

So far today I've read three books; B has removed all the leaves from the back yard and cleaned the fish tank... no small feat - it's a 75-gallon tank with three extremely dirty fish in it, and B has removed and scrubbed all the gravel in it, replaced all four filters and changed out a good percentage of the water. The poor fish are going into convulsions as I type, they are so unnerved by the changes in their home.

I agree - the changes in my home are unnerving to me as well.

That pesky breast tenderness has been steadily diminishing since the moment I saw a + on that test. Very unsettling. For a little while today, the girls were perfectly fine, no soreness at all. Naturally, I freaked (and thus started the compulsive fish-cleaning).

I know that dwindling symptoms don't have to mean bad things... and so far, the soreness has always come back, albeit not as strongly as it had been before (but who knows if that's just in my head?) .. but it leads to certain amounts of paranoia, and a general desire to step away from Dr Google*.

But... since the girls are a bit sore now, and I'm not feeling as pessimistic, I thought I'd check in and ask a super-important question:

How does one survive pregnancy after miscarriage??

I recognize that my one miscarriage is hardly reason enough for the sheer amounts of panic I'm going through... but I sure as hell don't know how to change it. And I have two weeks yet til my ultrasound appointment. I'm worried about my sanity in these two weeks... and the two weeks after that.. and the two weeks after that.. and so on, and so on. Well, look at me being all optimistic - I'm assuming the ultrasound will have good enough news that I can continue to panic after it.

*who left me breathless this afternoon when a search accidentally uncovered the theoretical rate of miscarriage for women with pcos. the bastard.


nude uterus said...

Holy crap! I have been MIA, I know. but am I reading this correctly? Are my eyes jerking me around? Are... you.... you know.... prego{{whispered}}??????

Krista said...

Yeah, I hear you. I have diminishing symptoms and I am convinced another miscarriage is just ultrasound proof away. I think we just keep as busy as we can and try to occupy our minds with other things. But I gotta tell you, I really suck at it.

Kris said...

Then there's always the worry that you'll manhandle your breasts into permanent pain so you have to wonder if it's legit hormone pain or self-induced.

With all the two weeks waitings I've done, I've seriously considered installing a rubber room in my home. That'd give B something to use, I'm sure G would find it entertaining... It's fun for the whole family.

casey said...

I tried everything to gracefully handle being pregnant after my first, then second miscarriages. The next pregnancy still went south.

However, I am now pregnant and have vowed to do everything as normally as possible. I haven't avoided lifting things. I haven't taken 2 hour breaks in the middle of the day to put my feet up. And I haven't gone blabbing to my friends and family like before. The only concessions I have made are dietary (alcohol, etc.) and choosing the recumbent bike instead of the elliptical during the week of implantation. Okay, okay, so I haven't made it back to the elliptical yet...don't want to get myself overheated.

So, I really have no advice, because as normal as I've been trying to be, the pregnancy is still on the forefront of my thinking.

On a serious note, could you pester your RE to have you in for an u/s earlier? Because putting your mind at ease can be very beneficial, at least in short doses. Don't be afraid to ask for that. (Or, like some women, fake symptoms that would warrant an earlier look...)

Good luck.

Heather said...

One miscarriage IS reason enough to worry. I wish you wouldn't minimize it like that.

I think most women worry - regardless - but the fact that you have suffered lose will make you worry that much more. Especially since you want this so much.

That is my assvice - your mileage may vary.

~r said...

oh heather, I'm not trying to minimize... it's just that one miscarriage does not mean there's a definitive problem with my ability to carry, so I shouldn't be worrying THIS much. I'm definitely not saying (or thinking) that it was a small thing.