Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Out, out, damn spot!

Yesterday, my mother says to me "I hate to ask this ... " (and here, I know what's coming) "... but did it take?"

I don't know, it's still early.

"Hasn't it been two weeks?"

No, not yet. (two weeks is today, not yesterday)

"Oh", she says, "I figured since those tests are so much more sensitive these days..."

Not for me, ma, not for me. I do not test early.*

Still, when I woke up this morning, I debated testing. Talked myself out of it (why waste a test when my temp is down a little, and I'll know one way or another tomorrow?) but apparently just thinking about testing was enough to bring on some activity.

One lonely little spot.

I had to use my Eyes of the Infertile** to see it, but it was there.

And it scared me.. see, I rarely get spotting before AF, and this, this wasn't the pink smear of defeat that heralds the beginning of a visit, it was the one little speck of red that I saw when I was knocked up with the G.

So that totally scared the shit out of me.

And now I'm hoping I'm not pregnant.

Because I'm pretty sure they'll be sending the little men in the white coats with their straitjackets for me if I have to endure another pregnancy that involves bleeding.

I've done it twice - first with G, where a small subchorionic hematoma not only caused The Speck and the subsequent bleeding, it made my betas not double (one of the scariest possible things to happen in a post-IF pregnancy, no?). The second time, I spotted every few days up til I miscarried. So... for me, blood + pregnancy = bad.

I've heard the jillion stories of implantation bleeding, women who had regular "periods" through an otherwise healthy pregnancy, and all the other not-bad situations.

I don't care.

Let the fertiles smile and relax through the months of spotting, I don't want that. I think I've earned the right to relax if I ever manage to get pregnant. That's so totally not happening if there's anything that even resembles blood near my nether regions.

.. and is it weird that I'm stressing over the thought of this ... ? Considering that I haven't tested, and given the circumstances of this cycle, the odds are very much against success anyway?

Eh, why wait to worry when you can pre-stress ahead of time, right?

*ok, so sometimes I cave and test early.. but I've had an hpt in the house for the entire 2ww and I haven't been tempted to use it til today... 14dpo. I think that says something.

**you know the ones - they can spot a faint line on a cheap test in bad light. they can also spot an infinitesimal spot of red on TP. It's a blessing and a curse, I tell ya.


DD said...

I won't give you that blahdeblah about how spotting isn't necessarily a bad thing, because I understand completely where you are coming from.

Oh, crap, hon. Just crap.

Erin said...

Spotting sucks, whether pregnant or not. The Eyes of the Infertile are some powerful things. I'm sorry that they saw that spot.

Heather said...

Even if you don't spot, I imagine you will worry the whole pregnancy. Another side effect of IF.

Kris said...

I, too am blessed/cursed with the Eye. And I totally agree blood in panties = bad. I think all those "spotting is normal" stories are urban legends. Thinking of you and hoping for the best.

Krista said...

I hope that you are pregnant, and I hope that one little speck of blood is the only blood you see for the next 8 months. I had a day of seeing sludge on the tp and it freaked me the hell out. I hope you see no more blood!!

And congrats, cause I would have peed on 8 sticks by now.