Dear Jackasses

(the title of this post really isn't intended for B.. although, at the time that I received the email that prompted his letter, I might have argued that point)

Dear B,

I will do my best to convince the ovaries that they must be ready for an insemination no later (or earlier!) than the one day you have told me you are available, based on the latest changes in your work schedule.

love,
me

Yeah, he did it again. Really, I think it's sweet that my husband honestly believes I have some choice in insemination dates. I also think it's maddening that his schedule is so changeable this summer. The one time I am least prepared to be flexible. And those jackasses responsible parties on his ship who think that this whole process is some "optional" thing, and him asking for time off for the procedure is an inconvenience? They deserve their own letter.

Dear B's boss(es),

Let me just say first how sorry I am that my husband's request for time off is inconvenient; it may come as a small consolation to you that it is also a bit inconvenient for us to need to do this. Additionally, I understand you are baffled why he needs to participate in something that is "my" medical care. I assume you are aware that conception requires two participants? From your reactions, I can surmise that you believe that my doctor is sufficient to assume the role of participant #2. I assure you, he is not. I also assume that because you have witnessed so many children conceived while a spouse was out to sea, you have determined that a husband is not a requirement for said conception, and that any interested party can be a substitute. While this is technically true, it is an entirely different situation from ours, and as such is not really applicable here. You have probably noticed that those Sailors whose spouses conceived without their presence have suffered problems with their morale (not to mention their marriages!); as such, it is my theory that conception-by-proxy is not in the best interests of the Navy. As we all know, those interests take precedence over all other concerns, so I am selflessly requesting his presence at the potential conception... for the good of the Navy.

Sincerely,
Mrs. B.