Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Secondary vs Primary, and the day where hope makes a reappearance

There's a message board that I read sometimes. Right now they're engaging in that secondary vs. primary infertility debate. You know the one - who has it worst? That is such a no-win discussion.

I've lived both sides of that debate. They both hurt. Although there are parts that are more painful for one situation or another, the basic core of the hurt is the same:

There is an innocence in believing that your future is how you plan it, that your children are just waiting for you to decide they should be born, and that fairy tales are real. When that innocence is ripped away, the pain is deep, and that part is the same whether you have one child, or ten. Or none.

.. on a happier note, I've decided to go ahead and let myself be optimistic about this cycle. I usually rein that in out of fear - bigger disappointment if* the cycle fails - but I feel like this month should be different. I'm going to enjoy what I can, and go into it expecting a happy outcome. I'm not picking out names, or buying baby clothes or anything quite that delusional optimistic.. but I have this weird, peaceful feeling that things will work out just fine and the insemination will proceed as planned. (hope? is that what hope feels like?).

Next week, we'll work on 'hope in the two-week-wait'.

* check out that optimism - I said if.

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