Oh yeah...

I totally forgot what I was supposed to be blogging about earlier.

Oops.

Anyhow, I told my mom last night. It was on accident, and it just slipped out.

We were looking at tiny baby clothes (not for me - remember that nephew that will be born next month? yeah, for him) and I was examining the little dresses.. which, of course, made my mom comment that there weren't any little girls in the family and for some reason that irritated me What - I need to have a little girl in mind to be looking at tiny dresses? and it just sort of came out.

Yeah, I'm totally good at this keeping my mouth shut thing.

So a little later in the evening, my mom was on the phone with my aunt and I forget how it came up, but I told her it was ok to tell - it's not a huge secret, I just don't want to go through the process of un-telling people if things go south... and my mother says to my aunt "rachel thinks she might be p-word"* So I corrected her and said "no, I know I am" .. and then followed it up with what should be the Official Infertile Disclaimer I'm just not sure for how long.

I was so pissed at myself for that. I want to be a normal p-word chick. I want to be able to look at baby clothes or things without worrying if maybe I'm wasting my time and/or money by looking too soon. I want to be able to tell people about this without following it up with a "but that doesn't mean anything yet". Most of all, I want to be able to actually say the word.

Maybe after the ultrasound.

If things continue, some time between now and next July, I will so totally tell everyone.




*ok, she used the actual word, but I can't say it, or type it or even think it, honest to God.. maybe after the ultrasound.