I can almost say it.

The p-word, that is.

My ultrasound was this morning. It was very, very hard to make myself go. I was half-tempted to tell B to turn the car around and just go home. I know, I know, I've been waiting for this appointment for weeks... but I was so afraid it would be bad news, and I just didn't want bad news today.

I'll cut to the important stuff: it wasn't bad news.

There's a little grain of rice in there, with a teeny-tiny beating heart. Doc NH measured twice. The first measurement came out at 6w4d. The second was 6w5d. I am currently 6w5d. I'm a bit freaked that the first measurement was a day behind, but it's a difference of .02cm, so I'm trying not to call it significant.

I'm not ashamed to say that I gasped when I saw the tiny little flickering. I saw little RiceCake before I saw the flicker, and I was immediately transported back to the last ultrasound where I saw a blob with no flicker.. and then, improbably, when DocNH probed a bit more, I saw it - flickering away. Against my nature, I did not ask for the heart rate. I know it's over 100, because that's what DocNH was looking for, and he was pleased that he found it. I don't know how much over 100, and I'm trying to convince myself that I don't care. I don't want to overanalyze and make myself crazy (as I am prone to do), so I'm trying to just go with things. Doc NH is happy, so I am happy. He said it's not a guarantee, but my risk of miscarriage has dropped significantly. I'll take that. It's perhaps not as low as I'd like, but the numbers he quoted me are somewhere around 6%, which is a hell of a lot better than what I was looking at last week. It seems strange that I'm starting to believe this might happen.

Even stranger... Doc NH is discharging me from the IF clinic and turning me over to OB. I'm not sure how comfortable I am with that, but I'm happy that things are considered that normal. He wants me to stop my metformin the first of the new year. I know I'm uncomfortable with that, but crafty bitch that I am, I'm waiting to hear the OB's recommendations. Last I heard, they were advocating met til 20 weeks. I'm more comfortable with that. Actually, I'd be all over taking it right up through next summer... but apparently I'm the only one who's comfortable with that.

I've got referrals to the OB and the jackass nutritionist, and I'm trying very hard to be more excited than scared. It's a long, slow, climb, and I've got at least a few more weeks until I can really relax. Still, I am ever-so-grateful to have made it this far, and to have gotten exactly the news I had hoped for this morning. Is it too much to hope this continues?