Saturday, September 16, 2006

It's. Too. Early.

I know I say this every month, but I really, really mean it this time.

Please... please... please let this be it.

I may not be hopeful or optimistic or even have halfway normal expectations for this month, but I am tired. I am so tired of side effects and fucked up hormones and pressure and worry.

Mostly today I'm tired of side effects.

Last month was the first clomid-free month I've had since April. I guess when I was on the nonstop-side-effect roller coaster, I didn't notice it as much. Now that I've gotten a couple of weeks with only minimal side effects,* I'm noticing. A lot.

I woke up this morning downright bitchy and nauseous. I managed to open one eye, roll over and find the remote to turn on G's cartoons. Then I got bitchy about that - how many times have "they" said that TV isn't good for young children, and it's lazy parenting if you use the electronic babysitter? Mom is supposed to be the first one awake in the morning. I suppose G should wake up to find me in the kitchen, apron on, and breakfast ready. Anyone else picturing June Cleaver?

I gotta admit, I'm no June Cleaver. There are mornings where I'm up before the boy, and I have breakfast ready, but I'm not sure that period-induced insomnia and cravings for baked goods qualify me for mother of the year just because I manage to present my child with a plate of fresh-baked cinnamon rolls. Especially when there are mornings like today where he's eating leftover chinese food for breakfast.

Yeah, so now that I feel like a bad mom first thing in the morning, what's next?

I'm a rotten wife as well. My husband called me this morning. Keep in mind, I haven't seen him in a month, and I can count on one hand the number of times that we've spoken on the phone in that month... and I was bitchy to him. That one I do feel bad about.

... and here's my bad caretaker #3 moment. I just heard the cat fussing and I realized.... I haven't seen her in hours. And suddenly I remember - she's in the back yard. Mind you, I have an indoor cat**. And it rained all night. I am grateful that Cat is resourceful. She came back in slightly damp instead of soaking wet, like the rest of my yard. Bless her little feline heart for alleviating my guilt a little.

So here I am, first thing in the morning and I've already let down ALL of my little family. I've slacked on my caretaking duties. Naturally, because I am FC the thought so this is why I don't deserve another baby skitters across my mind. What a load of crap.

I can't just be a normal person and admit the obvious: I am not a morning person... and I am having normal clomid crankiness.

My child knows this (and appreciates the morning cartoons), my husband knows this (and laughed at my crabbiness), my cat knows this (she'll forgive anything if it comes with a dish of food).

So... in light of the fact that my loved ones still love me despite my (human and normal) shortcomings, I have decided that - the problem lies with me.

It's not abusive or neglectful if my child gets to watch his favorite cartoon in the mornings. It's not horrible if I'm grumpy when I'm woken. Cat has food, love and (on those rare nights she spends outside) a safe back yard with shelter, which is far more than she had in her previous life.

And I am not a bad person. I am normal. At least in this respect.

*no, they never did go away completely, even with a full month off.

**ok, I try to have an indoor cat. It's a jungle out there, and I prefer to know that my big ball o'fur is safely within my walls. Problem is, big ball o'fur was a stray for the first few years of her life. It is highly difficult to untrain that. When it's nice out, she sneaks out.

1 comment:

Krista said...

I don't have children yet but I can tell you that when I do they will not only be allowed but will be encouraged to watch Saturday morning cartoons. I strongly disagree with children watching tv, unless it interfere's with my sleep time, in which case it is OK.

In fact, Saturday mornings were the only time I was allowed to watch tv as a child (and the muppet show once per week) and I turned out fine......sort of....

Normal is exactly how I would describe you, don't beat yourself up about it.