Sunday, September 10, 2006

Urban Legends rewritten

I've always been secretly relieved by the fact that I haven't personally heard most of the tactless comments that other FC's have been subjected to.

This week marked a turning point.

Not only did I hear "well, if I get pregnant again before we want to, you can have it", but I got the recitation of Urban Legends. You know the ones - "my cousin's aunt's coworker's best friend had a daughter who couldn't get pregnant for years, adopted and - wow! Pregnant! Twice!" and "Don't give up hope - I've heard of lots of people who got pregnant (twice, of course) after trying for years and years".

Don't give up hope.

My dears, Hope is the one thing I haven't given up.

But... how can you have a good Urban Legend without all the mundane details? I want to know the who, what, when, where, and most especially how. Without those details, it's just a shell of an Urban Legend... that's no fun at all.

So I'm rewriting some of the more common ones to add in some more detail.

Starting with the "trying for 20 years and suddenly gave up and got pregnant.. twice"

The Story of Florence

Florence gave birth to two children in 11 months... after 20 years of trying.

Her doctors called it a miracle, her new husband is ecstatic, and Florence is just a little freaked out.

Florence and her first husband, Al* were high school sweethearts. They married when Flo was just 17, and started trying to build their family immediately. They tried every position they could think of, with and without alcohol, stood on their heads for hours afterwards.. in short, they tried everything. They were heartbroken when they had no bun in the oven after a year. The doctor told them to keep trying - after all, they were young and time was on their side. Three years later, still no bun in their oven, they fired that heartless doc and went looking for someone who could help. They found a doctor (recommendation from a friend of a friend's cousin) who was willing to try any and all treatment so long as they kept on paying.

After 7 years of fertility treatments (male factor) they were bankrupt, and gave up all hope of realizing their dream. Did you hear me? They. Gave. Up. Hope.** Flo turned to the crack pipe to drown her sorrows. After spending what little they had managed to save after the bankruptcy to bail Flo out of jail one night (posession), Al gave her an ultimatum: Give up the crack, or give up me.

Flo walked.

Several years later, Flo realized she needed to kick her habit - she was getting too depressed watching all her crack 'ho friends flaunt their legendary fertility. In rehab, she met Bill. Together they got clean, fell in love and got married. Two weeks after the wedding, Flo discovered she was pregnant. (Of course, she was already 8 months pregnant, but had been getting negative tests for months; it wasn't until her doctor was called in to examine her unusual abdominal growth that they discovered her little miracle). When their child Apple Asparagus Eugene was just a few months old, they found out about their second miracle, Orange Broccoli Martha, who is now a chubby, happy two-month-old boy.

Don't give up hope - it happened to Flo... so it can happen to you!

How do I know this? Flo is my Aunt, and she just came for a visit today.

CD1, right on time. It's perfect timing to inseminate this month, my sugar-laden CD1 Sticky Buns just came out of the oven ha! I had a bun in my oven this morning - a sticky one no less! ... and I'm having a damn good day.

*some names have been made up as I go... ok, ALL names have been made up as I go

**this is important as it is a common thread in all fertility UL's.


Krista said...

Yup, heard them all. I think your story is great and despite the fact that you acknowledge that it's completely fictional, it is probably 100% more accurate than any of the stories I have been told.

I have decided from now on when someone tells me such stories, I am going to tell my story and say "And they never ever got pregannt. I know, cause they're me.. The End"

Kris said...

I'm going to email that to everyone I know, of course with the ending that every puppy in the world will die a horrible death if they don't forward it to everyone they know within 5 days. Do you really want the death of all the world's puppies on your hands?