Thursday, September 28, 2006


Last cycle, I was writing my poetry right about now.

I'm in a totally different place right now. Not only am I not feeling poetic, I'm not feeling like my 2dpiui status is worth thinking about.

I'm having an awfully hard time writing about anything today because... well, because I'm just not really thinking about it. I feel crampy and sore from the IUI itself, bloated and nauseous from the estrace.. and I still have to force myself to actually put my mind to reproduction today. I can spend hours thinking about what I want to bake today but I'm just not interested in thinking about any theoretical buns I might have in my uterine oven. Just not interested...

So I'm going to focus on that - the blase attitude I'm developing today. I just have this feeling that either it worked or it didn't, and stressing over it isn't going to make a difference. Stressing over the relative merits of brownies vs. cookies, now that's productive. At the end of the day, I'll have a snack to show for it if I can only work out which one I want. Stressing over baby or no baby... won't make a difference. Not only that, but I won't have that all-important closure I crave. No matter how much I focus my energy on wondering, I still won't know a thing today.

So why even think about it? In past cycles, I've been known to be very superstitious. Wearing the lucky (or not as it turned out) necklace, choosing my daily clothing with conception in mind. No really.. imagine an entire two-week-wait that demanded I wear at least one item of my least-favorite-color every single day. Been there, done that... tossed the pink t-shirt afterwards. I've visualized positively, talked to my ovaries and my uterus... whatever I could think of. This month, I think my entire reproductive pep talk consisted of please don't fuck up. I dutifully had my post-IUI discussion with the uterus as I laid there... and then I took a nap. Why? Well, it certainly wasn't because I thought fertilization was best accomplished in my sleep. It was just because I was tired. Imagine that - on the very apex of my infertility treatment, IUI day, I was not thinking about reproduction every second of the day.

.. and I don't think that's going to make one tiny bit of difference in the outcome. Once again, I'm thinking Either it happened, or it didn't. I'll find out in a few weeks.

Jeez, if this attitude sticks around for the next few weeks, I'll have pitifully little to write about. Feel free to throw out suggestions for topics. I suspect I'll need them.

1 comment:

DD said...

Hope you get some good suggestions because I'll probably have to come back and steal them for myself. Blech.

And yes, google hits are great fun, aren't they?