Thursday, October 05, 2006

10dpo, not so hopeful...

The night was filled with magic, they bid the sea goodbye
They swam into the heavens, they stayed up in the sky
And all the Island people when they wish upon a star
See the Dolphin and the Jolly Mon who tell them where they are
Possibly the least in-context song quote I've ever used, but when I'm in a not so great mood... I look for the happy songs.. and really, it would be wonderful for Jolly Mon to tell me where I am right now... or better yet, where I'll be in a few months.

Many moons ago, I was pregnant. Like 6.5 months' worth of moons.

To make a long story short(er), this morning I got not one but TWO emails to let me know about these great sales at my favoritest stores... on newborn clothing.

Two of them. When my temperature just screamed "not pregnant" to me.

Fuckers.

There have been way too many reminders this week.

There's a mom's group I belong to.. three of us were pregnant together, due within a few weeks. The other two have already given birth, the second just this week*. I should have been next. I have an aquaintance whose due date was three days after mine, and all indications are that labor is imminent for her. I should be looking forward to labor, getting excited about progress. My own G was born at exactly 37 weeks... I should be past 37 weeks now. My sister wrote a very sweet blog entry about setting up the nursery the other day. I should have a nursery.

And here I sit. So not pregnant.

I haven't cried about this in months, but this morning just did me in.

All I had was two months of pregnancy. Two fucking months, that's all. That's hardly a long time to have it so stuck in my head that I can't run away from it. I'd give away all the happiness I felt at that positive test in a second if it could erase how I'm feeling now... I'd have taken another month of failure.. hell, I've taken several months of failure since then. I hate that I wish I hadn't gotten pregnant, but I do.

When is it enough? When have I paid my dues? When do I get to forget?

It's harder because I am the only one who remembers.

My period will be here in less than a week. I am dreading it this month. I don't think anyone will understand why I'm so upset about it. And I don't want to remind them. They cried enough with me this Spring, I'm not going to bring that back to them.



edited to add: I was just flipping channels and popped onto a channel just in time to hear some guy singing about how "I know it'll be all right" and I agreed... so maybe today won't turn out all bad after all...



*fortunately, it's an internet group - so I don't have to deal with seeing babies or pregnancy, which would make me nuts... I love these girls and I'd hate to have something stupid like that come between our group.

6 comments:

Krista said...

Or ~r, I know what you mean. I passed my due date in August and it hurt like hell. I kept thinking I would rather have not had that 7 weeks than to have it and then have to go through this. I hope neither of us have to go through miscarriage again.

Hope your day gets better.

Erin said...

I'm so very sorry that you've been through, and continue to go through, the miscarriage. I've often thought that I'd rather not get pregnant than have a miscarriage--I'm so sorry that you know the truth of that all too well.

I give you lots of credit for sticking with your internet group. I've basically dropped out of mine, which was important enough to me to have IRL meetings with them twice in three years (people coming from all over the country that I'd only known online, once to Atlanta and once to Baltimore). I hate that I've done that, but I couldn't take the baby-dust-laden wishes anymore. After a year of TTC#2, it was just too much.

I'm not usually a big fan of internet hugging, but I wish I could give you one right now. I know that you don't want to burden IRL friends and family, but no one should have to be so sad by themselves.

DD said...

I have wished the same, that I had never gotten pregnant. Maybe now I wouldn't keep feeling as if I've left something undone.

I'm sorry you're feeling blue. We'll be blue together and that should make for a very pretty cloudless sky.

Kris said...

I'm really sorry.

Jolly Mon Sing cheers me up, too. So does Love and Luck.

rachel said...

Sorry you're having a bad day. All of this just really sucks doesn't it. Hope tomorrow feels a bit less bleak.

The Town Criers said...

I'm sorry--I think these things hit you in waves. Hang in there.