Tuesday, October 31, 2006

I heart my DVR

thanks to the miracle that is DVR, I could rewind this to get the conversation correct..... lol

One of G's fave cartoons is that pack of meddling kids (and their dumb dog). You know, the ones who solve mysteries (always in half an hour or less), unmask the bad guys and ride off into the sunset for their next adventure.

I was watching this with him today, and the end of the show really torked a nerve. See, in this one, Shaggy & his canine pal fell in love. Real love, apparently. With aliens. Real aliens. At the end of the show, the aliens had to return to their planet. Shag & the dog didn't take it too well. The rest of the gang was worried, so they sent their spokesperson to make sure the lovesick duo would survive.

The picture of sensitivity, Fred asks "You guys ok?"

Shaggy says "like, we're just completely destroyed, that's all"

Fred's uber-sensitive reply: Aw, I know, but you'll get over it.

Shaggy agrees, but says it will take a long, long time.

Five seconds and a box of Scooby Snacks, and they're happy again.

So what does this have to do with infertility?

On the surface, not much... but I think it's very representative of how the general public views the "proper" way to grieve. Take a minute to be sad, and then move on. If it's really bad, take a few minutes. Just move on. Soon. And eat, it'll make you feel better.

Only sometimes, that's hard. Especially with infertility. When you're done grieving a bad cycle, moving on often means jumping right back into that same situation that just broke your heart. Sometimes that takes longer to do. Sometimes it hurts more than others.

I think people subconsciously assign levels of grief, and the amount of time it "should" take to get over a hurt is based on that level. In some ways, it makes sense. I mourned my miscarriage far longer than I have most negative cycles. Most. Sometimes I have a cycle that hits harder than others.. sometimes a negative is more than just the sum of one cycle, it's all the little hurts and frustrations and broken dreams that have come before. Those hit hard. Those are the cycles that throw the food chain of grief out of whack. Sure, I should be over it in a few days, eating my Oreos and moving on. Usually I am. But not always.

.. and therein lies the problem.

There's no one-size-fits-all period of grief for a negative cycle. No one who has not walked in these shoes, month after month will fully understand why sometimes it's just too much. Or why sometimes, it's just moving-on-no-looking-back. It's hard to explain why some months, I'm ready to start over right away... and others, the weight of past failures haunts me and demands that I stop and catch my breath before I can move on. I don't even understand that... so I don't expect the world to suddenly find the right tier on the ladder of grief for all aspects of infertility. It's not that simple. What it is, is an individual process that changes from person to person, and even month to month.

.. and sometimes, it takes more than a box of cookies to get over it.


Heather said...

Beautiful post. Absolutely perfect.

I'm not sure why I grieve harder over some negative cycles over others but it is so nice to know that others deal with the same thing.

So true.

Erin said...

So very true, I agree with the whole thing. I have had cycles where the idea of going back onto medications a scant 2 days after my period arrives fills me with utter despair, and other cycles where those 2 days can't pass quickly enough. And no one who hasn't been through it will ever quite get it.

Krista said...

Very well said. "...and sometimes, it takes more than a box of cookies to get over it."

That belongs in a book somewhere.