Monday, October 30, 2006

Is there a Plan C?

Really nothing to report here.

I'm still feeling "meh" about this cycle. It almost feels like we've taken the cycle off, even though we didn't.

It's nice to have no pressure, but I have to say, this 2WW is dragging on.. not for the usual reasons (insane optimism) but because I'm ready to start next cycle.

Today is 6dpo. Give or take. And I'm still in that if it worked, it worked, if it didn't we start over, no sense stressing phase.

I've never maintained this level of ambivalence all the way through 6dpo.

This lingering ambivalence could be because a pregnancy this cycle would be supremely bad timing. Not only would it mean a(nother) July baby, it would mean a birth very-very-very close to when B deploys again. I tell you, if we were 'normal' fertiles, we'd hold of on trying for the next 4 or 5 months. Who tries to get pregnant 8 or 9 months before a six-month deployment?

Seriously, I used to wonder who was dumb enough to plan a pregnancy where the birth would fall in that particular bad-timing window.

Well, now I know.

The alternative is waiting out the next several cycles and just hoping there's enough time in the last few months before he leaves - a tricky situation because pre-deployment months are typically busy ones for the ship. Odds are at least one of those would be a cancelled cycle because B wasn't home.

So... neither is a great choice.

I'm ok with B not being home for a pregnancy, or even the birth itself. Love the guy, but we've been through this before, and .. pregnancy, not so interesting to him. Birth, well - he doesn't do so well when I'm in pain. For a few spots during my labor with G, I was nostalgic for a time when fathers had to wait in the lobby.

But I am upset that he'd miss out on so much of everything else.

We talked about it, and apparently I'm more bothered than he is. His thinking is that babies are basically just lumps for the newborn phase... and if nextbaby is like G, that lump will be permanently nursing for the first six months anyhow, so he's really not missing much.

Which totally doesn't mean I shouldn't be pissed off that I feel like being fertility-challenged has (once again) robbed me of the decision when to have a baby.

Eh, life isn't fair.

OK, in truth, I'm trying to work up to being pissed off, but I've already been pissed off about it so much in the past that I've lost the energy to be upset. If I birth the day after B leaves, and that day happens to fall on G's birthday, well... eh, it happens. Wouldn't be my first choice, but I've just about given up the delusion that I even have a choice in this. B is light-years ahead of me in the acceptance phase (witness his logic about why it's not that bad to miss the first six months), but I'm getting there.


Cricket said...

You'd be so happy to get another, circumstances be damned.

When I was pregnant with my son, I found out about it the day after my husband left for a 9 month deployment. Suffice it to say, I missed him much more than he missed me. In my vast military wife experience, it was harder being left than doing the leaving. As it turned out for us, a 3-4 weeks early baby came 10 days before my husband returned home. I really don't think he felt like he missed a thing. He felt too glam for his ever so important job to notice his family.

You have a better one than this. He'll come back and be right in the swing of things.

Erin said...

Planning a pregnancy--I remember the days when I thought that was possible...barely. It always amazes me (and irritates me no end) when people say "We decided to start trying in September so I wouldn't have to be pregnant in the Atlanta summer heat, and I'm due in May/June!" Meanwhile, we "planned" to not have kids until J would be through the bar exam. As it turns out, he had not only taken it but had gotten his results over a year before P was born.

If only we had these choices. It's just one more thing that got taken away from us in this whole sucky process.

DD said...

I could only speculate about what I would do in a similar situation and that is to just go for it at every possible chance.

However, I understand your reluctance. I guess when (not if) you do get pregnant again, it would be nice to have him there to celebrate what you have both worked hard for from the beginning.

~r said...

Oh, dd, I'm not reluctant. Not thrilled with the timing, but we're moving full steam ahead anyway.

As B would say... that's just how we roll.