Saturday, October 14, 2006

Definition of an oxymoron: patient infertile

You know how some people think that every bad thing happens for a reason, and it's just another lesson to be learned on this journey through life?

I've always said that if that is really true, my lesson would be patience.. because I'm certainly not a patient person by nature. I can't stand waiting. For anything. I can't even go to the DMV to renew my driver's license without bringing a book or risk going postal because of the waiting. I was the kid in the back seat asking "are we there yet?" every 10 minutes. OK, that one I still do.

So anyway, I was talking to a friend tonight and she commented that I'm one of the most patient people she knows, what with all the unsuccessful trying we've been doing. This is my uberfertile friend - the longest she's ever had to wait for a positive hpt was something like three days*... so I guess from her point of view, being able to wait it out month after month might just seem like patience...

Could anything be further from the truth?

It's not patience, it's that I don't have a choice. I'm not waiting in beatific serenity for that magic moment to arrive, just smelling the roses and killing time thinking warm and fuzzy thoughts. I'm wishing away my life, two weeks at a time. I'm running a marathon on a treadmill - it's one hell of a long race, but I can't see the finish line, I don't know when I'll get there and I just want to run faster so I can be done... but I can't go any faster. All I can do is run at my own pace, hope the end is in sight soon, and pray that it'll be worth the race.

There is no patience in infertility.

*we were talking about this one day and she confessed that only one of her kids was even sort-of planned - while most of them were 'oops' babies, this particular one, they'd had the "should we have another?" discussion, decided that they'd like to try and found out about her pregnancy a few days later.


rachel said...

I can really relate to this. I am the least patient person in the world and would love to be someone calm who can genuinely think it will happen if and when the time is right. Rather than counting the days knowing I may never get there. I sometimes feel almost sick with impatience (and mistake it for morning sickness)

Kris said...

Oh, I am SO impatient but people comment on my patience all the time. I guess that's because they aren't privy to all the screaming in my head.

the nude uterus said...

I think its not that we are being granted the all-desirable gift of patience.... no its more like mind-numbing, that we are gifted with.