Hope meets Reality

I've talked before about clomid side effects. Perhaps my least favorite (worse than the migraines and the visuals some days) is the disturbing feeling of stupidity. Yes, hormones make me stupid. And scatterbrained. The kind of scatterbrained that makes me return one of my own DVD's to the giant video rental place down the street. I did that once while I was pregnant with G. I almost did it again last week. In the last few months, I have also: nearly gotten lost driving through my own neighborhood, considered walking to the store (for exercise!) in the midst of pouring thunderstorms and forgotten to feed my poor pets (or fed them twice) more times than I can count.

So, by now, I sorta expect things to be fuzzy.

I don't expect to remember things with startling clarity. Yesterday, I had more cramps. Expected, since as you know, implantation started yesterday. But then my back started to hurt and it felt the same way it did when I was pregnant. You know, the pregnancy where that backache turned out to be the early sign of miscarriage. Now how is it that I can barely remember my own name, but I have no trouble recognizing that I'm having the exact same backache today that I had five months ago?

I'll blame that on the clomid, too, thanks.

It was a reminder that no matter how hard I wish to be pregnant, my real goal this time will be to stay pregnant. I started to panic a little and had to actually stop and remind myself that it is now August, not March and I am not miscarrying. I'm not even pregnant. Yet.

I knew when we started trying again that there would be times when I'd worry far more than I ever had.. I just never realized it would start before I even saw two lines. I guess the downside to carrying Hope in my back pocket is that she can't entirely drown out her sorrow-sister Experience... and if Hope says pregnant, Experience is always there whispering for now.