Sunday, August 06, 2006

Optimism only goes so far

I've lost my optimism. My BBT chart still looks good, I haven't lost any symptoms (or gained any, but honestly, I never had symptoms with either of my previous pregnancies until way past when AF was due, so that by itself isn't a bad sign)... but I'm going into full self-preservation mode.

Well, damn, how incredibly typical of me.

I want to continue to believe, but the pragmatic part of me knows that there's already enough pressure on me. I had a good number of follicles, a really nice set of swimmer-numbers, and a decent (but not great) lining. I guess I feel like if I dwell too much on that, it will mean that if this cycle's a failure, it's not going to happen. Throw in the not-so-small fact that this is the last cycle we'll have to try before my original due date, and... well.. yeah. Just a little pressure.

So I wasn't really surprised when I woke up a couple of days ago and no longer had a good feeling about this cycle. I guess it's my way of letting myself down easy. Just in case.

edited to add this update: I know I said my optimism was gone, but... we went to the beach today. There were a couple of bellies frolicking in the surf, and I said to myself "Self, I'm the hottest pregnant chick on the beach" .. so maybe Hope was just on break for a couple days.


Erin said...

I think it's just your heart's way of protecting itself. It's a little easier, a tiny bit easier, to get knocked off a slightly lower branch than to get pushed off the top of the tree of hope. OK, that was a really bad metaphor but you know what I mean.

DD said...

Remember, your body is going to do whatever it's going to do whether you're thinking bunny and butterfly thoughts or not. Sometimes it's just easier to protect our hearts by not giving into hope, isn't it?

Don't think you have to feel one way or another to counteract Hope's bitchy counterpart, Karma.