Friday, August 11, 2006

Bring on the Oreos

So, I caved yesterday and tested. It was negative. Now, my rational side tells me "Self, it could be too early", while my emotionally-burnt-out side says "Self, it would be too early for a normal person... which you are not. So quit hoping, accept reality and move on... to a big box of Oreos. We've been through this before, it's not new so suck it up and move on with life".

What's a girl to do?

Well, a girl's going to stick to her low-carb diet until AF officially shows... but I'm not ruling out buying those Oreos to have on hand. My temperature started to drop this morning, so that's another hint. I can take hints really well.

.. and as much as I liked feeling hopeful, I'm paying for it now. Right about now, I'm missing my cynicism, and those giant walls of pessimism that have served me so well in the past.

I was thinking about it last night, and if you add up all the time I have spent trying to get pregnant, both with B and in my first marriage... it's seven years. Yes, years. I know that technically the TTC-clock reset itself after G was born, but emotionally, that time doesn't go away. So it's been seven years.

That's a hell of a lot of disappointment.

When I miscarried Baby, I took it really well. I cried for a few hours, pulled it together for G and went numb. Oh, I cried a little in the next couple weeks, but for the most part, life went on. I stayed busy, I did things to get out of the house and I tried my best to make life normal. I lost count of the number of people who told me they admired my strength/grace/calmness. Seven years. That's a lot of time to learn to expect the worst and to carry on even when you're dying inside.

(word of caution: don't try and explain that to someone who's never been through infertility. they will suggest therapy or prozac or electroshock treatment)

So yeah, I need to pick myself up and move on today.

But I'm so tired.


Twisted Ovaries said...

Self! It could be early! Put the stick down, Self! Early!

DD said...

You could always get the Oreos as a celebration, you know?

There's no way to explain miscarriages and infertility to a fertile. None.

ms. c said...

Thinking of you...
Seven years is a long time, you're right.

B said...

I'm on my way with the Oreos, girl! And a box of tests. I'll emotionally thrash around right with ya. {{HUGS}}