Thursday, August 24, 2006

Why I keep on trying..

... also known as 'why I sometimes really do appreciate what I've got'.

Contrary to the beliefs of a small but vocal set of buttwads, SIF does not mean you don't appreciate the child(ren) that you already have. In some ways it's harder because you really do appreciate what you've got.

Last night, I was laying in bed half asleep, when I heard these weird snuffling sounds coming from G, who was laying in bed next to me. Alarmed, I rolled over to make sure he was still breathing normally.* He was, but he was also sporting the biggest smile I've ever seen, and the snuffling noise turned into a big belly laugh. I wonder what he's dreaming about that makes him so happy? Still giggling, he managed to say "mommymommymommy".

Me. I am what is making him so happy, even in his sleep.

He half-opened one eye, patted me on the arm, and rolled closer to snuggle up before falling back asleep. For one small moment, all was right in the world.

I know that parenthood is not always about sweetness and snuggles... many days, those moments are few and far between, especially with an ornery child on the brink of independence (in his own mind at least).. but there are some moments that remind me of the days before G, when I wondered and worried that I'd never hear the word "mommy". I used to fantasize about what he'd be like. It was always the sweet, snuggly moments that I dreamed about... and I can honestly say this is one dream that is better in reality than it was in my mind. So many things lose their shine when they go from a dream to a reality. Parenthood has not.. and even on days where I feel like I can't take one more tantrum, or one more battle, I know that he is a gift, and I do really, truly appreciate him.

That is my motivation for plowing on through the bad cycles, the disappointments and the tears. I know exactly what my goal is.

*as a remnant of my difficulty conceiving him, I still have a hard time getting used to the idea that he's not too good to be true.. and one of the side effects of that is an obsessive need to check his breathing while he sleeps, even now


Krista said...

Ahhh... I love this post.

Infertility sucks no matter when you experience it. Period. End of discussion. Infertility sucks!

DD said...

Here's the advantage over the "butt wad", who is bemoaning her fertility: I *DO* appreciate my child, more than they ever could imagine, and so I am sad for them.

B said...

{{wiping tears off monitor}} Thank you. I couldn't agree more. I thoroughly despise it when people find out how long we've been trying & they comment something along lines of not being appreciative.
Whew! Its nice to know I'm not the only one who still checks on the breathing occassionally.

sue said...