Bring on the Oreos

So, I caved yesterday and tested. It was negative. Now, my rational side tells me "Self, it could be too early", while my emotionally-burnt-out side says "Self, it would be too early for a normal person... which you are not. So quit hoping, accept reality and move on... to a big box of Oreos. We've been through this before, it's not new so suck it up and move on with life".

What's a girl to do?

Well, a girl's going to stick to her low-carb diet until AF officially shows... but I'm not ruling out buying those Oreos to have on hand. My temperature started to drop this morning, so that's another hint. I can take hints really well.

.. and as much as I liked feeling hopeful, I'm paying for it now. Right about now, I'm missing my cynicism, and those giant walls of pessimism that have served me so well in the past.

I was thinking about it last night, and if you add up all the time I have spent trying to get pregnant, both with B and in my first marriage... it's seven years. Yes, years. I know that technically the TTC-clock reset itself after G was born, but emotionally, that time doesn't go away. So it's been seven years.

That's a hell of a lot of disappointment.

When I miscarried Baby, I took it really well. I cried for a few hours, pulled it together for G and went numb. Oh, I cried a little in the next couple weeks, but for the most part, life went on. I stayed busy, I did things to get out of the house and I tried my best to make life normal. I lost count of the number of people who told me they admired my strength/grace/calmness. Seven years. That's a lot of time to learn to expect the worst and to carry on even when you're dying inside.

(word of caution: don't try and explain that to someone who's never been through infertility. they will suggest therapy or prozac or electroshock treatment)

So yeah, I need to pick myself up and move on today.

But I'm so tired.